Jokes Thread

That is hallarious, (i cant spell but u'll no wat i mean) didnt see it coming either. *

 

*

 

good joke mate, hillarious!

 

The male brain

the male brain

 

Why We Love Children


A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I * in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
Finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a * to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your *?"


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a * is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a * is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a * is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy
*! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get * too."
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

 

Re: The male brain

And that's no a joke!

 

the pope pays a visit to the seven dwarfs. over a slap up meal Dopey
decides to ask the pontiff a question : " mr pope, do you have any
dwarf nuns in rome?"

"No dopey", replies the pontiff, "there are not".

"well Mr pope, are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?", dopey questions.

"No dopey", the pope chuckles, "there are no dwarf nuns to be found
anywhere in the world".

softly in the background the, the six other dwarfs start chanting,


"dopey F*cked a penguin, dopey f*cked a penguin, dopey f*cked a penguin!"

 

LOL. where do u get all those jokes from?

 

let me guess.....people e-mail them to ya?????

 

A Limerick man, a Romanian and a Nigerian are in a bar one night, having

a beer. All of a sudden the Romanian downs his beer, throws his glass
in

the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In
Romania

our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one

twice." The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,

throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass
to
pieces

and says: "Well mate, in Nigeria we have so much sand to make the
glasses

that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The

Limerickman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws
his glass

into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Romanian and the Nigerian
and
then

says: "In limerick we have so many f___king Romanians and Nigerians
that

we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

 

nice 1 mate laughed out loud at that one keep them coming.

 

We'll see how the Romanian of the forum reacts to this one lol!

 

Living in Dublin......................................


Is there a doctor in the house?
>
> In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie
was
> on, when a cry came from the dark.
>
> Shadow at the front (shouting): " Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is
> there a doctor here?"
>
> (Shock. Confusion.)
>
> Voice from the back: " Here - I' m a doctor"
>
> Voice from the front: " Sh*te film, isn' t it?" ...and sat back down
>
> Voice from the back: " Little * - if I find ya I' ll rattle ya"
___________________________________________________________

Playing on one of Dublin' s less salubrious golf courses I teamed up
> with a little auld Dub. After I hit an unusually long (and flukey)
drive
> the auld fella turned to me an said " Jaysus son, I wouldn' t go that
far
> on me bleedin' holidays"
_______________________________________________________________

In Roddy Boland' s in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of
Italian
> guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting
very
> far.
>
> One of the Italian' s started waxing lyrical about one of the girls
and
> her " beautiful pale skin" and said: " In my country, you would be a
> Princess"
>
> To which the Irish girl replied " And in my country, you' d work in a
> chipper, now f**k off" .
_________________________________________________________________

In one of the Dublin district courts during a hearing the injured
party
> is being questioned by the defence barrister. The barrister is really
> trying to put pressure on the defendent and questions whether he can
> identify his client who alledgedly assaulted him. The injured party
is
> sitting in the witness box and without flinching points across the
room
> and says loudly...
>
>" yer man there, the black fella."
>
> The defence barrister looses the rag and begins ranting about being
> prejudicial to his clients skin colour and so forth. The barrister
> continues along this line of attack and says indignantly to the
injured
> party who is still in the witness box....
>
>" can you identify the man in this courtroom who you alledge assaulted
> you without referring to his skin colour?"
>
> The injured party looks up at the judge and then at the barrister
> shrugs and says... " yeah."
>
> The barrister asks him to do so. The injured party points again
across
> the court room and says...
>
> " yer man sitting over there between the two white blokes."
____________________________________________________________

My uncle was in town one day and there was a man and his son walking
> infront of him.two gardas came along on their horses and the dad
says...
>" take a good look at dat son coz theyre the only amimals you' ll ever
see
> wit a b*ll*x underneath them and a b*ll*x on top of them"
________________________________________________________________

Hill 16 banter
>
> Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlcok
> becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in
> front of the Hill. One wag shouts out....
>
>" Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!"
______________________________________________________________

My mate' s mother was walking towards a bus stop on parnell street .
A
> bus pulled in just before she reached the stop she went up to talk to
> the bus driver.....
>
> Mate' s mother: " What number bus is this?"
>
> Bus driver: " Its a 40, it says so on the front"
>
> Mate' s mother: " Yeah, but it says 40a on the side and 40c on the
> back?!"
>
> Bus driver: " Well I' m not going sideways or backwards!!!"
_______________________________________________________________

It' s a miracle!
>
> My brother arrives into Dublin airport and is dying for a pee. He
makes
> it to the Gents but there' s a huge queue.He sees that the disabled
> toilet is free so he decides to leg it in before he wets himself.
After
> relieving himself he' s coming out the door when an auld lad still
> waiting in the queue for the gents sarcastically declares...
>
>" JAYSUS, it' s a f**king miracle!' .
>
> Good ' old style' Irish humour! My brother knew he was home!

 

Question : How to quickly make nice beetroot (*) salad ???

Answer : Throw 3 grenades into Rangers fans bus.


(*) - beetroot in Polish slang means something like redneck, looser, totally not cool guy...

 

Q : How to castrate Rangers fan ?

A : Kick his sister in the teeth

( I bet you knew this one )

 

Q : What would happen if all Glasgow Rangers fans were sent
to live in Russia ???

A : Average IQ in Russia and Scotland would DRASTICALLY RISE

 

New EU employment policy

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we
see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
just right, you
are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.


Sick Days

--------------------
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

--------------------------------
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the>late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.


Toilet Use

-------------------
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's
mental health policy.


Lunch Break

-----------------------
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be
directed elsewhere.


The Management

 

annagrams..............

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT * SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

Football Quotes.

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."

--George Best on wisely spent money. ​

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today won't be any different."

--Trevor Brooking displays his profound knowledge of football. ​

"This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players."

--then Spain boss Javier Clemente tells it as it is. ​

"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."

--Kevin Keegan with an interesting simile. ​

"Sol Campbell there, using his strength. And that is his strength. His strength."

--Kevin Keegan with profound analysis of Sol Campbell's ... strengths. ​

"Either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

--Ron Atkinson ... need I say anymore. ​

"I know it's an obvious comment but I'm going to say it. If the good players play well, we're going to have a great game."

--He warned us it was obvious but it still didn't stop Big Ron from saying it. ​

"At least we we're consistent - useless in defence, mediocre in midfield and crap up front."

--Ron Atkinson again - this time rather damning in his analysis of his team's performance. ​

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

--*sigh* it's Ron again. ​

"When (Garry) Flitcroft played for the A team, he had "footballer" written all over his forehead."

--Not quite sure if Colin Bell meant that literally. ​

"Lombardo speaks much better English than what people realise."

--Crystal Palace chairman Mark Goldberg commenting on Italian Attilo Lombardo's ability to speak English. ​

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones."

--Chris Turner displays excellent motivational tactics. ​

"I'm not sure Michael Owen is a natural-born goalscorer"

--A classic quote from Glenn Hoddle when in charge of England. ​

"Preki quite literally only has the one foot."

--I'll admit that I don't know a lot about the American player Preki but I think David Pleat is wrong on this one. ​

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

--I might just be able to compile a book with all these Ron quotes. ​

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

--Some wise words from Terry Venables. ​

"He must be lightning slow."

--I don't think Ron quite grasped the meaning behind the original phrase. ​

"Despite his white boots, he has real pace."

--Because players with white boots are slow?? Probably only Kev Keegan knows what he meant. ​

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."

--This is a real classic from Ian Rush. ​

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."

--Ade Akinbiyi puts an end to that old tale about footballers being stupid. ​

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."

--Mark Draper - obviously Geography wasn't one of his strong points at school. ​

"The margin is very marginal."

--Bobby Robson defies the critics who claim he's lost it in old age by producing that pearl of wisdom. ​

"Believe it or not, goals can change a game."

--Mike Channon - I believe you Mike. ​

"The red hair of John Brown on the bench there."

--Archie McPherson - What? Just his hair? ​

"The scoreline didn't really reflect the outcome."

--I think Tony Gubba might have gotten that one wrong. ​

Interviewer: In your new book, Pat, you've devoted a whole chapter to Jimmy Greaves.
Pat Jennings: Yes that's right, well what can you say about Jimmy?

--A whole chapters worth apparently. ​

"Here's Brian Flynn. His official height is five feet five and he doesn't look much taller than that."

--Perhaps Alan Green it's because actual height and official height are the same thing ​

"It's a game of two teams."

--It's phrases like that which explain why Peter Brackley only ever gets to commentate on games that nobody watches. ​

"The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box."

--A quote from John Motson ... only kidding, it was Ron Atkinson. ​

"The only thing that I have in common with George Best is that we came from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man.

--Norman Whiteside proves that he and George Best have very little in common. ​

"Plenty of goals in Divisions 3 & 4 today, Darlington nil, Hereford nil.

--BBC Radio 2 - yep sounds like there well plenty of goals alright. ​

Don't tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let's have another look at Italy's winning goal."

--David Coleman very considerate there to people who didn't want to know the result. It's a shame he was just a bit stupid. ​

"Darren Anderton has been repulsed by the Romanian defence."

--Brian Moore. ​

"Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America."

--Pretty sound reasoning from Kevin Keegan. ​

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."

--John Greig. ​

"Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts."

--our very own Jimmy Magee with that quote. ​

"We need the players, because without the players, we don't have a team."

--Can't argue with Howard Wilkinson on that one. ​

"Yes, Woodcock would have scored but his shot was just too perfect."

--another classic from Big Ron. ​

"Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular."

--Byron Butler. ​

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."

--David Coleman tells it as it is. ​

"That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass."

--Murdo MacLeod. ​

"I'm not superstitious or anything like that, but I'll...put it in the lap of the Gods."

--A slight contradiction from Terry O'Neill. ​

"Scholes hits the goalpost - he could hardly have hit that any better."

--BBC World Service - you know he probably could have hit it better. ​

"Cantona's expression speaking the whole French dictionary without saying a word."

--Barry Davies. ​

"He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it."

--Martin Tyler redefines the word eternity. ​

"David O'Leary's poker face betrays the emotions."

--Clive Tyldesley tries to prove that Ron ain't the only one with stupid quotes. ​

"I can buy you, I can buy your house and your family. You Ljubljana motherf**ker, you only substitute players from Styria."

--Slovenia star Zlatko Zahovic in an outburst at coach Katanec which got him sent home. ​

Ron "I talk gibberish" Atkinson: "I thought he (Oliver Kahn) was going to do a Schumacher then."
Clive "I'm sitting beside a lunatic" Tyldesley: "What, Harald or Michael?"
Ron: "Michael."
Clive: "Although Kahn and Michael Schumacher are pretty similar in their approach."
Ron: "Yeah, but Schumacher's better on corners."

--Boom boom! Big Ron shows his vast repetoire of comedy. ​

Presenter on Radio 5 Live: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss the Faroe Islands/Scotland game.
Jim: Thanks...er yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean,we're playing probably the weakest side in world football and we can't do better than a draw.
Presenter: It was a poor result.
Jim: Poor result! Poor result! It's absolutely scandalous. The manager has lost the plot completely, he's got to go. I know we've never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. I can't see us ever recovering from a setback like this. We're a complete laughing stock.
Presenter: Look Jim. I know it seems bad now but there is still a long way to go. I can't see you qualifying for Euro 2004 but hopefully things will improve.
Jim: I never expected for a moment we would qualify. I don't mind that so much. We're not good enough. But listen, to not qualify is one thing, but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter. It's a bitter blow for everyone here on the Islands.
(Uproar and laughter in the studio)

--A very humourous call to Radio 5 Live in the aftermath of the Faroe Islands-Scotland draw. ​

"He (Stephane Chapuisat) his football these days with Young Boys ... Berne that is."

--Gabriel Egan has probably now made a mental note to always refer to Young Boys Berne by their full name. ​

 

Probably the best coach company in the world...

fancy taking a ride on this?