Jokes Thread

That's brilliant, bhoywunda. That must have taken someone ages to do!

 

One Big Question

the No.1 question test



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Try giving an honest answer.


You will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet

spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line.

You are in Florida.

Miami, to be exact.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.




This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper.



You're caught in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to make a career out of shooting photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you.

Some are even disappearing under the water.

Nature is showing all of its destructive fury.

You see a man in the water.


He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the debris.



You move closer . somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is . . It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are

about to take him under, forever.

You have two options:



You can save his life or you can take the most

dramatic photos of your life.

So, you can save the life of George W. Bush or you can

shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the

death of one of the world's most powerful men.










Here's the question and please give an honest answer:








Would you select color film or would you rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

superb

lol

 

that's sick

Winners of the "Worst Analogies ever Written in a high school Essay" Contest:

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was like a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like, "Second Tall Man."

He spoke with the wisdom than can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was perplexed as a hacker who means to access :flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during a storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

...and my very favorite:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

you've missed "she was as easy as the daily mirror crossword"

an absolute cracker.

 

A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a

very beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she

must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

she gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,

"Oh *, she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, Ahhhhh, Ryanair!

 

HAHA very good Dubsy, some of the jokes on this thread are LONG... they are good but long. Long is ok if there is a killer punch line otherwise

 

A guy walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint.

He then proceeds to sit down at an nearby table,and he notices he is the only guy in the pub apart from the barman.

All of a sudden,he hears a voice,"Nice tie."

He looks over to the barman,and sees he is reading his paper.

Again he hears a voice,"Nice shirt."

Startled,he again looks around,and looks over to the barman,still reading his paper.

Once again a voice says, "Nice shoes."

Annoyed,the guy goes over to the barman and asks him is the pub haunted,or is he a ventriloquist.

"Nah," says the barman laughing at him,"It,s only the nuts on your table,they are complimentary mate."

 

A big bulky rangers fan sits in a bar. A gay, little man walks in tae the bar. He sits doon next tae the rangers fan and orders a drink. After a few drinks, he plucks up all his courage and asks the hun: D'yeh want a *? The hun beats him to a pulp and throws him oot of the bar, then comes back in. The barman looks at him and says: I've never seen yeh react like that!! What did the * say?
And the hun says: I dunno...Something aboot a job.

 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

> He wanted to dig his tomato garden,

> but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

> His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

> The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

>

> Dear Vincent,

> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able

> to plant my tomato garden this year.

> I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

> If you were here my troubles would be over.

> I know you would dig the plot for me.

> Love Dad

>

> A few days later he received a letter from his son.

>

> Dear Dad,

> Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.

> That's where I buried the BODIES.

> Love Vinnie

>

> At 4 a.m. the next morning,

> FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

> up the entire area without finding any bodies.

> They apologized to the old man and left.

>

> That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

>

> Dear Dad,

> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

> That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

> Love Vinnie

 

Jokes are superb lololololololol

 

No-So-Dumb Blonde One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

 

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.



It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

 

The Living Statues Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

 

Final Confession Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest." "But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father." "Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

 

Moms and Their Snooping Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!" "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!" I didn't even know that she had a *!

 

Southern Hospitality-Airplane Style Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?" The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition." Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from, *?"

 

Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

 

.... I think you mean "What do _______ have in common"...

 

It says that joke, that Greig said on alot of Celtic sites, I changed it to what you said though for mine!

Anyway, my joke of the week.

A Protestant Glaswegian family head out one Saturday afternoon to do their Christmas shopping.
While in JJB Sports, the son picks up a Celtic Football shirt and
says to his sister, " I've decided to be a Celtic Supporter and i want this strip for my Christmas" the sister is outraged at this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, " Go talk tae yer ma"

Off goes the unusually intelligent little lad, with Celtic shirt in
hand and finds his mother.
"Mum." "Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Celtic supporter and I want this
strip for my Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to yer da." Off goes this little pearl amongst swine, with Celtic shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad."
"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Celtic supporter and I want this
strip for my Christmas."
The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you have learned something today?"

The son turns to his father says, "Yes, Father, I have'.
Father says, "Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Celtic supporter for an hour and I already hate you hun *."