Jokes Thread

First sexual experience

Billy drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Ian where he'd first had *.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Billy.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Ian.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"*, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

 

An old farmer near Darwin had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large lake away from the house, picnic tables, a croquet court, and some mango and avacado trees. The lake was nice and deep and was ideal for swimming, though no one had disturbed its waters for quite a while. As Darwin had expanded the suburbs had got closer, but he wasn't interested in breaking up his farm. Recently a neighbouring farm had diversified and was employing backpackers to pick their fruit.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some Nordic voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "Ve are not comming out until you have left us alone!

The old man frowned and called back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile

 

Q. What goes click, click, click "is that it" - click, click, click "is that it"

A. Blind person playing with a Rubik's Cube


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no *?
Still no f*ckin eye deer!




Two fly on a bit of sh*te, One farts the other says "doyou mind, I'm eating"

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other How do you drive this thing?"

I bought a blow up doll the other week, keeps going down on me !!!

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent b*st*rd," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly.

I'll explain the toy ........ if you explain the kids."

 

A man came to the pharmacy:
- Can I have an apple condom?
- Sorry, we haven't any.
- What about a strawberry condom then?
- Sorry, out of stock.
- So I'll take an orange condom.
- We do not have it either!!
- Well, give me a cherry condom.
- Excuse me, sir, are you going to f**k your wife or just make jam?

 

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy * vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she

replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to

her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."


She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is

paying.

The * is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time

honking on the duck caller.


The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is

several minutes before she has recovered her breath.


Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"





"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

 

great joke MCF!

 

A young Brunette goes to the Doctor's and says ''I've got a problem, Doctor!''

''What's the problem?'' He asks.

The Brunette replies,
''Well wherever I touch it seems to hurt.''

''Show us then?'' The Doctor asks raising his eyebrows.

She then reaches down and touches her leg.
''ARRGH!'' She screams.

''Oh, that's really unusual!'' The Doctor asks.
''Could you please show me again?''

So, the Brunette touches her arm.
''ARRGH!'' She yells.

''Wow, wow, wait a minute!'' The Doctor answers,
''Brunette isn't your original colour, is it?''

''No, I used to be blonde.''

''Oh, that's it then, you must have broken a finger!''

Forgive me Aberdonains!

No offence, Chrissy told me this yesterday.

''What do you call an Aberdonian with a sheep under his arm?''

Married.

 

*, is that real?

 

Things culchies love

01 : A nice bit of ham.
02 : Buttered biscuits.
03 : Diggin Houles.
04 : Saying its too cold to snow
05 : Pretending to know about The Ra.
06 : Tayto Cheese & Onion
07 : Pretending they're in The Ra.
08 : A stretch in the evenings
09 : Lucozade
10 : Accordians
11 : Pretending to like Holy Week.
12 : A dinner dance
13 : Gettin clattered in muck.
14 : Shania Twain.
15 : Hefers
16 : Spittin in their hands before doing anything manual
17 : Steel toe caps.
18 : A big bowl of carrots & parsnips.
19 : Eating sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA
20 : Saying someones 'Opened a Book' on something.
21 : The smell of fresh dung.
22 : Slice-Your-Own Loaf.
23 : Work Clothes
24 : A bottle of mineral.
25 : Fightin'.
26 : Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered
27 : 'The' Hurling/Fitball.
28 : Being overweight.
29 : Weemin wha resemble Hefers.
30 : Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup of tae.
31 : Drink driving.
32 : Red diesel
33 : The Fear of Change.
34 : A nice bit of Barnbrac
35 : Lying.
36 : Building walls.
37 : Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack of food
38 : Pretending to like mass
39 : Talking about * like Flax and the Corncrake.
40 : A good blackthorn walkin stick.
41 : Shouting 'Yeeeeeoooo' when something good happens.
42 : Mohammed Ali.
43 : Machinery.
44 : Strange uppy-downy walks.
45 : A good f**kin read of Irelands Own.
46 : Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead.
47 : Scandal, as long as its about other people.
48 : Turf, because Sentirl heatin's for weemin.
49 : Soda farls.
50 : Sponge 'n Custirt
51 : Newmerica', and anything to do with it.
52 : Givin the dog the wildest baytins.
53 : Givin the wife the wildest baytins.
54 : The Ra.
55 : Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle.
56 : Wrecking the house whilst steaming.
57 : Club Orange
58 : Rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner
59 : The Foot & Mouth.
60 : Aetin' a big feed of spuds.
61 : TK Red Lemonade

 

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the
new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot
of space
and valuable resources.


In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors
all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and
Golf 7.5


I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!

 

teacher-"class can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

little sally puts her hand up

teacher-"yes sally go a head"

sally-"last week i had the flu and my mother said it as contagious!"

teacher-"very good sally"

tommy raises his hand

teacher-"yes tommy?"

tommy-"yesterdaymy father and i were watching our neighbour paint here house by herself and my father said that it would take"the * ages"lol

 

Your Mama So Fat..................


when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

small objects orbit her.

she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

when I tell her to haul *, she gotta make two trips.

when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

she could be the eighth continent.

she nearly put Safeway out of business

the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

her fave food is seconds.

her belt size is Equator.

she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

she shows up on radar.

she needs a map to find her *.

she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

she wears an asteroid belt.

her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

she has TB ... 2 bellys.

she's once, twice, three times a lady.

she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

the circus use her as a trampoline

stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

she deep fries her toothpaste.


Your ANYTHING's So Fat...

Yo Grannie so * fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.

Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American

Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"

Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to *...

Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.

Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!

Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing

Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces

Yo Mama so huge that * created her...and on the seventh day rested.

Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick

Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.

Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years

Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'

You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry

Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.

Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling

Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.

Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...

 

New exams for Scottish Schools.

SCOTLAND

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2003

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL



GLASGOW REGION

Name…………………………………….

Nickname………………………………..

Gangname………………………………

Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?



Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?





When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?





Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?





Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?





EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION



Name……………………………………

Rugby Club…………………………….

Daddy’s Company…………………….





Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?





Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?





Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?





Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has * with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?





Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?















HIGHLANDS REGION



Name…………………………….

Glen………………………………





After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?





An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?





If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?





If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?





Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

 

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS

WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S

BEEN

FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE

I

HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T

CLOSE RIGHT."


TO WHICH HE REPLIED,"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

HOTPOINT

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT

DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I

DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"


SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO Feel GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO

GO

HOME AND HELP OUT.AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE

ALREADY FIXED.AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS

WORKING.AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.


"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE

YOUNG

MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL

THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A

CAKE."HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"


SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY

FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!"

 

That's a great one Dubs. Do you make these up yourself, where do you find them?

Andy, that's a cracker aswell!

 

IF i made them up myself YT i'd buy myself a stage, friends e-mail them to me when there suppose to be working.

 

Rangers Supporters Club Membership Form

RANGERS SUPPORTERS CLUB
Application for Membership

PERSONAL INFORMATION SECTION



Forename:
William/Willimena (please enter as appropriate)



Surname:



Address:

(Check note in pocket from social worker):



Age:
(Please place physical age not mental)

*:
(If unknown just guess)

Father’s name:
(If unknown, list three suspects)

Favourite record:

(Legal)
(Criminal)

Favourite recreational activities:
(Tick all that apply)

Worshipping Satan and all his works
Torturing small furry animals
Hemorrhoid juggling
Mugging
Sexually assaulting your pets
Urinating in your sink
Sacrificing goats
Exposing yourself
Stealing underwear off washing lines
Masturbation
Collecting rare skin diseases
Fat cultivation

How many chins do you own:

4-8

9-12

13-16
Don't Know - Hidden by cheeks



Can you still see your toes without the aid of a mirror?

Yes/No

How would you describe your personality?
Bitter

Twisted
Bitter and Twisted

Absent


Where do you purchase your clothes?
Oxfam

Barnardos

Albanian seconds
Steal them off tramps

How often do you have a bath?
Once a month
Birthday
Christmas
Leap Year
When it rains
What’s a "bath"?

Breed of dog:
Rotweiller
Pitbull
Rottweiller-Pitbull cross

Favourite food:
Slaughtered infants

Beef dripping
Sacrified goat kebab

Lard
Sulphur & brimstone

Continental humble pie

MEDICAL INFORMATION & INTELLIGENCE SECTION



Can you count to ten with your shoes on?

Yes/No


Can you count to 21 with your fly up?

Yes/No

Spell the following word: CAT:
(If stuck, just continue)

Do you have any distinguishing features?
Bandy legs

Beady piggy eyes
Amusingly shaped cranium

Slopping forehead
No neck

Numerous chins*
Arms and legs of equal length

Cloven hooves
Two small horns

Prominent eye ridges
Excessive body hair

Crippling arrogance
Tattoo**

A tail
* Complete question chin question.
** Complete question tattoo question.

What tattoo do you have?
King Billy

Red Hand of Ulster
Hail Satan

No surrender
An SS serial number

Your name and address
Your 11+ exam answers

All of the above

Do You Suffer from any of the following? (tick at least two)
Body odour

Body parasites
Halitosis

Smelly feet
Mysterious voices

Piles
Sexually transmitted diseases

Warts
Obesity

Chronic wind
Psycho/Sociopathic tendencies

Kebabitis (violent allergy to kebab shops)
Fergiantitis (permanently open mouth syndrome)

Violent head spinning and vomiting

What's your IQ?

Minus figures

1-5

6-10
11-15

Room temperature

When was the last time you visited a doctor's surgery?
1 Week

1 Month

1 Year
2.00am last Tuesday with a crowbar

RANGERS SECTION



How long have you been a Rangers supporter?
Lifetime

9 years
6 months

Since Gazza signed
Since the new top came out which you quite liked.

For as long as they keep on winning.

How often do you see matches?
Every game

Every home game
Every game we look like winning

When day release permits
Er.. not as much as I'd like to

Everytime its on TV in the pub
Only on October 31st.

Never

What is your favourite Rangers Away top?
This one

Last week’s one
Next week’s one

The one with the arrows

Do you have a season ticket?

Yes/No

Subscribe to SkySports

Where is your seat?
Main Stand

Copland Road Stand

At home
In the pub

Barlinnie

Carstairs

Do you own a Rangers Shell Suit?:

Yes



When do you take it off?
For ID parades

Every last Thursday to scrape off the sweat
When it’s windy (accidental)

Christmas
Funerals (see catalogue for black version)

During * (only tick if this is more frequent than Christmas)
Never

What would you rather see Rangers win?

Domestic honours

European success.

The fights outside the Loudon

How many goats have you sacrificed?

1-10

11-20

21-30

Over 30

Please state your reasons for joining this supporters coven:
Near Home

Near Prison
Near your Care-in-the-Community Centre

In Your Police Station & you won't make sergeant unless you join
Satan told you to

Please complete the following declaration:
I being of feeble mind and hideously grotesque coupon do hereby declare my allegiance to Satan, Lord of The Flies, The Great Beelzebub, The Conductor of the Dance Macabre and Chairman of Glasgow Rangers. I will not bring the bad name of Rangers into good repute through any of my actions, nor will I indulge in any practices which may be considered socially acceptable. I shall endeavour to uphold the unholy and Satanic traditions of Rangers in accordance with the rules and regulations of the coven, and will not seek to escape with my soul at the last moment like they always do in the Hammer House films... especially the ones with Vincent Price.

Email Address:

THANKYOU.

(Especially to the appointed social worker/Parole Officer/Keeper for filling in this form on behalf of the supporter in question).

Please send payment of 1 First Born to ensure membership