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Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'TalkCeltic Pub' started by Dubsbhoy, Jun 22, 2004.

Discuss Jokes Thread in the TalkCeltic Pub area at TalkCeltic.net.

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  1. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    25 things that make you feel like a man...........


    1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,
    open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't.
    Jars are men's work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it
    to kids makes you the man.

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
    Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball
    and crippling the man. Magic.

    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
    here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting
    and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
    coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.
    Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
    everyone else struggles to catch up with you. *, you're hard.

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint
    with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even
    an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
    partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what
    does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for
    you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",
    it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
    safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
    Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't
    mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the
    rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
    the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
    Congratulations, you are now your da.

    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
    rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
    item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
    plumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams)but with that much cash you feel
    like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll
    later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
    straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then. Seven.See ya."

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
    toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
    stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
    didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
    haemorrhage".

    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says
    that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder.
    Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you
    were in hospital".
     
  2. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    >Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.
    >
    >
    >a) Innovative
    >
    >
    >b) Preliminary
    >
    >
    >c) Proliferation
    >
    >
    >d) Cinnamon
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >a) Specificity
    >
    >
    >b) British Constitution
    >
    >
    >c) Passive-aggressive disorder
    >
    >
    >d) Transubstantiate
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
    >
    >
    >b) Nope, no more booze for me.
    >
    >
    >c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    >
    >
    >d) No kebab for me, thank you.
    >
    >
    >e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
    >
    >
    >f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
    >
    >
    >g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
    >
    >
    >h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
    >coordination.
    >
    >
    >I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    >
    >
    >j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
    >
    >
    >k) Look, it would be great to have a * but I hardly know you and we!
    >will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
    >
    >
    >l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he
    >knows her or something.
    >
    >
    >m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try
    >balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
    >
    >
    >n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that
    >hedge.
    >
    >
    >o) I really believe in prohibition.
    >
    >
    >p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city center wants to see my bare
    >@ss.
    >
    >
    >q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you
    >for a few hours.
    >
    >
    >r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful
    >personalities.
    >
    >
    >s) I'm sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and
    >walk all the way home.
    >
    >
    >t) A creamy cocktail followed by 4 shots of tequila....surely that would be
    >no good for my insides.
    >
    >
    >u) Me? go for a pee in the men's room because the ladies queue is too long?
    >I don't think so.
     
  3. jaradthescot

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    Ancaster, Ontario
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    Beattie again. Give the wee bhoy a run, WGS
    Fav Celtic Song:
    Jinky
    lol that's great rofl
     
  4. Celtic Mad Administrator Administrator

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    Great jokes mate!!! Keep them coming!!
     
  5. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    what do you call a 3 legged donkey???????

















    A wonkey :icon_chee :icon_mrgr :icon_mrgr
     
  6. BB Banned!

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    what do u call a dog with no legs and metal balls?




















    Sparky!!!!!!!!!
     
  7. Mark

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    Man walks into a bar...









    "Ouch!"

    Lol..
     
  8. hooperman

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    Fav Celtic Player:
    Stilian Petrov
    Fav Celtic Song:
    4 leaf clover
    Daddy Longlegs

    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
    he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
    eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
    innocent eyes.


    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see
    what work of * had captured her attention.
    He noticed she was looking at two insects mating.
    "Daddy, what are those two insects doing?" she asked.
    "They're mating," her father replied.
    "What do you call the one on top?" she asked.
    "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
    replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."


    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
    took her foot and stomped them flat.

    "Well, we're not having any of that gay * in our garden" she said.
     
  9. hooperman

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    Fav Celtic Player:
    Stilian Petrov
    Fav Celtic Song:
    4 leaf clover
    Miss Ireland 2004

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
    >pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
    >stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    >"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He
    >slams the door and returns to bed.
    >"Who was that?" asked his wife.
    >"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    >"Did you help him?" she asks.
    >"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
    >"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
    >three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
    >you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
    >The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
    >rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
    >"Yes," comes back the answer.
    >"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
    >"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
    >"Where are you?" asks the husband.
    >"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
     
  11. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Bubba and The Tazer
    >
    >My friends are fond of saying that my last words on
    >this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
    >my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt
    >you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near
    >future.
    >
    >Here goes:
    >
    >Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and * that tickled my
    >fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone
    >into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball
    >in the checkout line -- 50 cents.
    >
    >What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.
    >
    >That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
    >entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
    >
    >I'm so easily distracted.
    >
    >That dang superball is so much fun.
    >
    >So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
    >something really cool at Larry's Pistol and * last Saturday.
    >
    >The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something
    >extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
    >gun with a clip.
    >
    >For those of you who are not familiar with this
    >product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
    >incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
    >electricity while you flee to safety.
    >
    >The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
    >on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
    >
    >You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
    >button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
    >whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
    >
    >If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
    >missing out--way too cool!
    >
    >Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    >home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
    >thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    >
    >I was so disappointed.
    >
    >Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
    >much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
    >between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
    >fire for effect.
    >
    >I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
    >metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
    >forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
    >
    >I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
    >Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
    >
    >Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    >couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
    >
    >There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
    >little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and
    >thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
    >target.
    >
    >I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
    >thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
    >
    >But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I
    >did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    >
    >Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
    >reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
    >pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on
    >the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
    >
    >The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    >assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
    >of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
    >assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    >
    >All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
    >less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
    >itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no * way!" *
    >way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
    >
    >What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
    >of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
    >
    >I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side
    >as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
    >a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
    >under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
    >
    >I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the * of it. (Note:
    >You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
    >obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
    >right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
    >
    >I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king
    >Chit! *!!!
    >
    >I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
    >up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
    >again.
    >
    >I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
    >fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
    >under my body in the oddest position.
    >
    >Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
    >before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again
    >daddy, do it again!"
    >
    >(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
    >caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
    >
    >You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    >hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
    >won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
    >
    >SON-OF-A-B $% *H that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
    >was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
    >left),
    >sat up and surveyed the landscape.
    >
    >My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
    >there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
    >face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
    >88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
    >
    >By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
    >offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
    >I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
    >
    >Yours Truly,
    >Bubba
     
  12. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Peter Kay...



    1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid

    problem?



    2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

    realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him

    to forgive me.



    3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten

    years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.



    4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go

    swimming.



    5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on

    with my real ladder.



    6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered

    French Toast during the Renaissance.



    7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But

    one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my

    bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was

    sticks and stones all the way.



    8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why

    he got thrown out of the fire brigade.



    9) * is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd

    better have a good hand.



    10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said

    'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'



    11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

    meat?



    12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

    the wrong answers.



    13) You know that look women get when they want *? Me neither.



    Peter Kay's questions...



    1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?



    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the

    core of the earth?



    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?



    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is

    stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?



    7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?



    8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

    centuries' have a 'use by' date?



    9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

    crisp no one would eat?



    10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?



    11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze

    these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?



    12. What do people in China call their good plates?



    13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

    point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?



    14. What do you call male ballerinas?



    15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?



    16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?



    17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

    vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?



    18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion

    stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet

    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?



    19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?



    20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at

    you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the

    window?



    Peter Kay's Universal Truths



    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

    pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.



    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.



    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a

    calculator



    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.



    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.



    8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

    fire in your back garden.



    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.



    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.



    14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.



    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.



    17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your

    teacher mum or dad.



    18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the

    first given opportunity.



    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.



    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way

    through and then raced against the flush.



    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.



    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.



    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.



    24) You never ever run out of salt.



    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.



    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.



    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got

    your hand or head stuck in something.



    28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.



    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had

    their arm broken by a swan.



    30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an

    upturned plug.



    31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.



    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of

    wood specifically to stir paint with.



    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.



    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.



    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.



    36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a

    fruit salad.
     
  13. Celtic Mad Administrator Administrator

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    Crackers mate, crackers!!! :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
     
  14. yelnik2004

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    A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
    marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
    sandal shop.
    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
    foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! " So the married couple
    walked in.

    The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would
    be interested in. Dey make you wild at *."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
    *
    * he was.

    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"
    The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
    and
    tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
    wild
    look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
    violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
    and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
    The Jamaican then began screaming...........

    "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !"
     
  15. dbhoy

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    A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed
    >a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk
    >to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the
    >clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a
    >vending machine that should serve your purposes."
    >
    >Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50
    >cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
    >started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out
    >his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of
    >his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
    >'Manicures, 25 Cents' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,
    >inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were
    >perfectly manicured.
    >
    >The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
    >Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both
    >ways, put in fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and,with some
    >anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening. When the machine started
    >buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut
    >off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his
    >dinger... now with a button sewed on the end of it...
     
  16. dbhoy

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking.



    They left in the early hours of the morning and went home their
    separate ways.
    The next day, they all met up and compared notes about who
    was drunker the night before, the first girl claims that she was the
    drunkest saying I went straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.

    The second said, "You think that was drunk, * I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I came a cross and I don't even
    have any insurance.

    The third proclaimed, * I was the drunkest by far, when I got home
    I had a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burnt the whole house down.


    The room fell silent, and then the first girl spoke out
    again....................



    "listen girls I don't think you understand.... chunks is my
    dog!!!
     
  17. jaradthescot

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Ancaster, Ontario
    Fav Celtic Player:
    Beattie again. Give the wee bhoy a run, WGS
    Fav Celtic Song:
    Jinky
  18. Dubsbhoy Banned!

    Joined:
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    It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she Tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my *! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

    There's a long pause. "Swimming pool?


    Sorry wrong Number
     
  19. Dubsbhoy Banned!

    Joined:
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    Edinburgh Festival Best Jokes

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must
    be shi**ing herself.
    Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,
    but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
    to sleep at night.
    Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
    people were given pointed sticks?
    Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

    Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
    A: The ultrasound people.
    David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

    A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
    She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
    right, but we're not going to get much done."
    Jimmy Carr at the ICC

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
    goat.
    Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you
    on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
    that they're enjoying it as well.
    Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

    My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't
    help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
    Jimmy Carr at the ICC

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells
    you,because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
    flower?"
    And you murmur to yourself: "*, I wasn't listening ...
    Self-raising?"
    Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots
    and punched someone in the face.
    Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
    Jimmy Carr

    My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to
    have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
    shocked.
    Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
    thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
    Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
    the Girl out of Cork ...
    Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
    Turned out it was a * hoax.
    Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
    please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
    join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
    plumber".
    Steven Alan Green at C34

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be
    both a winner and a loser at the same time.
    Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right
    to arm bears.
    Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
    Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance

    I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
    sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I
    feel?"
    Arnold Brown at The Stand
     
  20. Dubsbhoy Banned!

    Joined:
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    0
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    I'm not great with computers but..............................



    HELPDESK LOG...
    Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
    Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
    still on
    my desk... sorry .
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
    Gates * it!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
    says
    'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
    front
    of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
    Customer: It's not working.
    Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
    Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
    happening...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
    keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
    letter
    V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    A customer couldn't get on the internet.
    Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on
    my
    computer,
    but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
    Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
    Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
    Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
    Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than
    4
    hours ago.
    Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Helpdesk: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around
    it?
     
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