Jokes Thread

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank * you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

< BR>
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

 

Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pr*cks are on the outside

Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a bucket of sh*t?
A: The bucket...

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Rangers Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Hun with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do

Q: What is the difference between a Rangers Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!


A Celtic fan enters a pub, after a few drinks he turns to the guy next to him and says "Do you want to hear a Rangers joke?"
The guy turns to him and says "Listen mate before you tell the joke I should warn you, I’m 6ft 10 and a Rangers fan, that guy to your left is 6ft and a member of a flute band, and the guy there is 6ft 5 and a member of the orange order, Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The Celtic fan replies, "No, not if I have to tell it 3 times."

Prso: Hey boss! do you remember that jigsaw puzzle I was doing? Well I've finished it and it only took 6 months!
Alex McLeish: 6 months??? What's so good about that?
Prso: Well, it says on the box "3 to 6 years"

McLeish and Novo in the pub and there is a cat sitting on the table. One man comes in, picks the cat up and looks under it.. Another man comes in and does the same. McLeish annoyed says the next man to do that I'm going to ask them why. So the next man comes in picks the cat up and looks under it. McLiesh says "Why did you just do that?". The man replies "A man outside told me that there's a cat in here with two arseholes!"

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the * out of every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw strutting down the road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you going, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.
"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the hun. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Rangers Supporter walking down the road there."
"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the f***er with the door!!"

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Rangers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rangers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Rangers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Rangers fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Celtic fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Celtic fan?"
"Because my mum is a Celtic fan, and my dad is a Celtic fan, so I'm a Celtic fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum and dad were drug addicts, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Rangers fan."

A Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods together and spot a farm . The three of them approach the farm and knock on the door. A man answers.
"Do you have a room for the night? ", asks the Falkirk fan.
"Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs".
"Fine I will sleep with pigs", replies the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o'clock in the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, "It is too smelly down there", says the Celtic fan.
"Fine then I will sleep with the pigs ", says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00 o'clock in the morning the Falkirk fan says " It's too smelly down there".
"Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs" says the Rangers fan . At 4:00 o'clock in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
"It's too smelly down there!!"

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom."You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with '*' and you say something with '*'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, *, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out! "She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat * it won't be Cheerios."

 

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
> couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he
> would just walk home.
>
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
> bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and
> picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a
> problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
>
> The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
> carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
> goose in your other hand? Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door
> he went...
>
> In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who
> told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
> Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live
> at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this
> alley. We'll be there in no time."
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am
> a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
> we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
> skirt, and ravish me?"
>
> The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an
> anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in * could I possibly hold you
> up against the wall and do that?"
>
> The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
> put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

needs quicktime

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1488

 

best goal in the history of football

http://www.dreamteamfc.tv/

 

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.
> >While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
> smelled the
> > >aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
> > >
> > >He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
> the bed.
> > >
> > >Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
> bedroom,
> >and
> > >with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both
> hands, he
> > >crawled downstairs.
> > >
> > >With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
> into the
> > >kitchen.
> > >
> > >Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
> already in
> > >heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
> table were
> > >dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
> > >
> > >Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
> devoted
> > >Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this
> world a happy
> > >man?
> > >
> > >Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
> table,
> > >landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
> > >
> > >His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese
> scone before
> > >it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
> > >
> > >The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest
> scone at
> > >the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with
> a
> >spatula
> > >by his wife. . . . . . . .
> > >
> > >"F*ck off!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington,DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (* he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May * bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville,South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

Italia

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . .

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing".

 

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.



Let's see now.................
No Christmas,
No television,
No cheerleaders,
No baseball,
No football,
No basketball,
No hockey,
No golf,
No tailgate parties,
No Wal-Mart,
No Home Depot,
No pork BBQ,
No hot dogs,
No burgers,
No chocolate chip cookies,
No lobster,
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks,
No gumbo,
No jambalaya

NO ICE COLD BEER.. In fact no beer at all!!!


Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy
next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing
from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your
wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey
cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses
and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She
smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better
disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!


I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

 

Huns need a 60,000 seater stadium............











:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimps,
>ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window.
>After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him
said,
>"Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen
love."
>He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for
this
>journey and I'll do what I * well want on this train." He carried
on
>ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the
>shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little
sleep.
>
> The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
>while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting
>needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could
you
>stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing
to
>do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do
what I
>want on this train."
>
> At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out
of
>the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm
cord.
>The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for
>that!"
>
> To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the
>police smell your fingers".

 

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "It's Keith......the midget"

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from
the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let
it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask "what is wrong?" and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the Woman at the teller window "I want to open a f*cking Checking account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, you f*ck. I said I want to open a f*cking checking account >now!!". "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank". The teller leaves the window and goes overto the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no f*cking problem" the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the f*cking lottery and I just want to open a f*cking checking account in this f*cking bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and is this fat b*tch giving you a hard time?"

 

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
> > > letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear
> > > Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
> > > between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
> > > you twice, since you've been gone, and
> > > it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
> > of
> > > me
> > > that I sent to you.
> > > Love, Becky
> > > The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
> > > snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
> > > ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
> > > Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he
> > > had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that
> > > envelope....along with this note Dear Becky,
> > > I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are.
> > > Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
> me.
> > > Take Care, Ricky

 

Decisions, Decisions.....





PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?



Titanic: $29.99



Clinton: $29.99



Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.



Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.



Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.



Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.



Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.



Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.



Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.



Clinton: Ditto for Bill.



Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.



Clinton: Ditto for Monica.



Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.



Clinton: Let's not go there.



Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.



Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.



Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.



Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.



Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.



Clinton: Monica... oooh, let's not go there, either.



Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.



Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary... basically the same thing.

 

Ethel and her wheelchair
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said,and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Willam nodded and said, "Carry on, maam." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

 

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them > > >to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and > > >beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had > > >a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose > > >bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because > > >he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. > > > >The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no > > >reaction. > > > >She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the >priests > > >until she got to the final priest, Carlos. > > > >As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and > > >fell clattering to the ground. > > > >Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it > > >up. Then all the other bells began to ring.

 

Lol dubs your a right joker!