Jokes Thread

Two blondes walked into a building.....


they both broke their noses

 

Pat and Mick are out on a hike in the hills one day. Pat reaches the top of a hill before Mick so Mick asks Pat "Whats the view like up there?" to which Pat replies;


"I dont know, I cant see for all these * trees"

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown when the first cannibal asks the second
"Does this taste funny to you?"

 

An Englishman was sitting with a Scotsman and an Irishman in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Irishman thought for a while and then said, "Ah begorrah, tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Englishman, watching the scene, said, "Oh! Just fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.
Before the Scotsman could say something the Sheikh turned to him and said, "As you are from a popular country, and your women beautiful you can have two wishes!"
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Scotsman replies. "My first wish is that I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire," the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Englishman to my back," the Scotsman replies.

 

An Aussie walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side, puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says.

"How's this for a deal ladies and gents?" "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside, then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute, then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd nods and murmurs its approval. The man stands facing the alligator up on the bar, drops his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts into the animal's open mouth.

The alligator closed its mouth and the crowd gasped. After a long minute the man grabs a beer bottle and smacks it down hard on the creature's head. Slowly but surely, the alligator opens its mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and clapped its approval.

As the first of his free drinks were delivered, the man stood up and made another offer. "I'll pay a hundred dollars to anyone willing to give it a try themselves."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and blonde woman timidly spoke up:

"I'll try it" she says, "so long as you don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

 

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had * with my English teacher!" he replied.
The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!"
The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had * with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My * is killing me."

 

i was in a terrible crash the other day. coming up to a junction we crashed right into the back of the car infront of us. THUD. it was completely our fault, so we quickly got out of the car to apologise.

but in the car infront out came a dwarf.
and he said 'i am not happy'

and we said 'well which one are you?'

 

A man goes into the doctor's surgery and says, "Doctor, doctor! I don't feel well"
So the doctor says, "Right, get naked"
The guy then gets undressed and as he does so the doctor finds a five pound note sticking out of his backside. So the doctor pulled this out only to have another fall into place. This continues until the guy runs out of money.
When the man had got redressed he said, "So doc, how much was in there?"
"£1995"
"Ah! I didn't think I was feeling too grand."

 

HAHAHAHAHA
Great stff Tiesto, especially the Englishman one

 

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put
my head between your *, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
"You dirty *!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid,
disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your *
cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy,
perverted *, GET OUT NOW!"

Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you
want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your * with Guinness and drink it
all out of you."

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting
down watching the telly. "What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he
wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my * and lick the
sweat off." she says in a flood of tears.

"What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage
cheese between my * cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag the *!" shouts the husband
rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my * with Guinness and drink
it out of me" she concludes.

When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down
in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of
Guinness..."

 

hahaha good one Gdave

 

My jokes are much smaller here is one of my best::::

I go: I bought a duck do
The person says: Whats a duck do
I go: QUACK! QUACK!

 

A couple realise they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.

"Look at this", demands the wife, "£30 on lager".

Husband replies, "Well, what about this? £30 on make up?"

The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."

The husband shouts back, "That's what the * lager was for!"

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real * tonight, Dave."

 

A man goes into a public toilet and is about to urinate when a guy stands beside him. It is at this point he realises the man doesn't have any arms.

"Could you help me with my zipper please?" the disabled man asks politely.

Feeling awkward, but sympathetic, the man undoes the guys zipper.

The disabled man stands there, wriggling for a few seconds, then sighs and asks. "Could you do me a favour and pull my trousers down for me?"

Once again, the man feels very uncomfortable but leans forward and tugs at the man's trousers.

The disabled man fidgets and says, "I hate to ask, but could you please take my * out for me?"

The man grimaces, but feeling very sorry for the guy, he gingerly reaches in and helps free the man's * from his boxer shorts, and then steps back in shock. The man's * is crusted with scabs and pus and smells like rotting meat.

When the disabled man is finished peeing, he says to the guy. "Thanks for helping me. I really appreciate it."

The guy starts washing his hands and says, "Uh...no problem. If you don't mind me asking- what's wrong with your *?"

"I don't know." the guy replies, pulling his arms free of his jacket. "But I ain't * touching it."

 

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Posh.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My *, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.

The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

 

haha brilliant one greendave.

 

Q...did you hear about the thalidomide * star...............
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A...he's got an arm hung like a baby's *.

 

couple on safari sees this wee skunk ,the women takes a like to it an says"ill take it home with me"they get to the customs an think they re * ,"how ma gonny get this wee thing through"says the women, man says "put it down yer trousers" she says "wat bout the smell ". "* it if it dies it dies" replies the man.

 

HAHAHAHAHAAH