Jokes Thread

Brilliant
Well put together

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious

 

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

10. The water-proof towel
9. Glow in the dark sunglasses
8. Solar powered flashlights
7. Submarine screen doors
6. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart boards
4. A dictionary index
3. Pedal powered wheel chairs
2. Water proof tea bags
1. Zero proof alchohol

 

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

 

Did u hear about the Irsih Daredevil?

Eat an After-Eight at quarter past seven !!!

 

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

Bad News

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a
strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms
to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded
to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of
the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green
circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a
lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man
with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am
actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings
aren't real gold."

 

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use

a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States,

he wakes one morning to find his * covered with bright green and

purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never

having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the

man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've

got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare

and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or

something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going

to have to amputate your *.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second

opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want

but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that

he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his

* and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but

what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my *!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican

docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to

opelate!'

Oh, thank *!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw

off by itself!'

 

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To show his girlfriend he had guts


What do u call a 3 legged donkey?
wonkey

Patient: doctor, doctor no1 seems to be listening to me, what could i do?
Doctor: next!

 

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch, it doesn't have any feet or legs, he exclaimed, "* *, I wonder what happened to this poor little *?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.""Wow," the man replies. "you actually understood, and answered me!""I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.
"The man asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "I wrap my * around this wooden bar like a little hook, you can't see my todger because my feathers hide it""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand what I am saying to you can't you"
Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, - politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, I'm especially good at ornithology, you really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the £250 price tag. "sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet, you can probably get me for £100 just make the shop keeper an offer!"
So the man offers £100 and walks out of the shop with the parrot.
Weeks go by, and the parrot is sensational, has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, and is a great pal, he understands everything, the new owner is over the moon
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot."WHAT!" the man exclaimed, and she let him?"
"Yes, then he removed her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....
The frantic man demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

"I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

HAHAHAHAHAAA, gold currie, gold!

 

Glasgow Airport baggage staff are set to be raging when the Indian they ordered turned up burnt


New Muslim website has been set up here is the link : www.friendsreignited.com



Three Muslims were knocked down and killed in a Tesco car park today

..........Tesco

Every little helps

 

what is the best part of a *?

the 10 minutes of silence

 

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having *?






















Call her and tell her what you're doing

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a *.... 3 or you take it up the *!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, *, or *?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a *!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all *!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." [/FONT]

 

whats 4 feet long and keeps a * warm?
a rangers scarf

what do you call a rangers fan in a suit?

the defendant

what do you call a rangers fan in a mansion?

a burglar

 

Whats the most sensetive part of a mans body during a *?























































His ears listening for the missus coming up the stairs.