Jokes Thread

Little Johnny was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, soldier, captain of industry etc.

But Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them have * with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little Johnny aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Little Johnny, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

Story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.

Recently a routine Gardaí patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern.

Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man,

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy"

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment
and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you
learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't
pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just
love
to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his
father.

His father asked him "Did you find the difference between
potentially
and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on
2 million quid, but realistically we're living with a couple of
slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy."

 

was thinkin how that happens

 

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven
dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for
you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

not really a joke !!!

right anyways a just wanted to ask .. - didnt want to make a thread about this ...

well am born in england right ... but ma parents are asian -

And stuff .... so im asian then tooo .... ( dont look it lol judging by ma pic in the dp)

Anyways ma question is .. just say one day if a was at celtic park do you think a would get any abuse or so ..

never been to a celtic game at park head

And a just really wanted to know the fans seem alright from the tele

right all leave it to your pro's who travel to the games ...

 

Celtic and it's supporters have always welcomed people of any race, religion or creed. That is still the case today.

Although if a large percentage of the crowd had read your posts....it could be different.

 

alryt thanks ..... mate .. just wait for more views

 

That's cold man, that is cold.

 

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and
spots another man (Veli) on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the
noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He
points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning, "need", and
moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st
floor (Veli) nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and shouts," What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I
needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I'm coming."

 

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him

a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly
squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup
of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking
out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for
you".

"I asked him what to give you".

He said "F**k him. Give him a fiver".

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".

 

Old Timer *


The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had * together over fifty years ago?


We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"


There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself.


He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having * against
a fence.


I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows
them.


They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided
by walking sticks.


Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to
the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.


As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.


Suddenly they erupt into the most furious * that the watching
policeman has ever seen.



This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.


The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic * life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"



The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous
throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when
he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in
total silence, he says into the microphone,

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the
front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............

"Well, fukin' stop doin' it then!"

 

Two ducks go away for a dirty weekend. They check in to a hotel and go up to the room. Before you know it they are firing in to each other and then at the crucial moment the male duck realises he has no condoms.

No problem he thinks.

So he phones room services and says to the nightporter - It's a wee bit awkward but could you bring up a packet of condoms ?

No problem answers the nightporter and then a minute later there is a knock at the door.

THe male duck opens the doore and sure enough it's the nightporter with the rubbers.

"There you go sir" he says handing over the condoms

"Thank you very much" says the slightly embarassed duck

The nightporter says "Shall I put that on your bill sir ?"

And the duck says "What do you think I am a * pervert?"

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees
had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an *, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone,
the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.

Again! , whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle: "ME."

 

A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go
back to the woman's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt
and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his
hands again.

Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."

Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands.

One thing leads to another and they end up in bed. Once they're done, the woman
says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist. How
did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

 

A guy goes to the dentist and after the treatment is finished the dentist says "Can I ask you something personal ?"

"Sure" says the guy

The dentist asks "Did you have oral * before you came here"

THe guy is mortified and says "Ehm, yes I did. How do you know ? Was there a pubic hair in my mouth ?"

"No" says the dentist " There's * on your nose"

 

3AM, and a robber jumps in a window, ready to rob the house. But he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you."

"Who said that?!" asked the robber. He squints around and notices a metal cage, and what looks like a parrot in it.

"What's your name?" asks the robber.

"Coco" answers the parrot.

"What a stupid name for a parrot" says the robber....





"Not half as daft as Jesus for a rottweiler."

 

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have * 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave * with yer. Let's go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun. "

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate * together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better * than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scousher, the * shtole ma wallet!"

 

Nice one greendave.

A chicken and a duck are standing on the pavement when the duck is about to cross the road.

Chicken: Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the end of it.