Jokes Thread

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,

fatty."

********************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have * with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for

free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want

to see how you live on £800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at

her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

 

The Italian says, "When I’vea finished a makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah ’ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Brit says, "Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished * my bird, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my * on the curtains. She hits the * roof!"

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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the * are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch". "We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh*tting in bed again!"

 

Good joke's there Gary mate.

 

So these Irish guys walk out of a bar..

--------------

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bar and says, "Alright you stickers, this is a * up!"

 

lol that 1 about a fella coming back as a hen is hilarious gary lol

 

teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "Please Miss, I have a question for YOU".

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ! "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business."

 

I'm beginning to like Little Ralphy. Everytime i read one of the jokes i keep thinking about Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons.

 

lol i did the exact same thing myself

 

re

I went to an Annual Scottish festival out here this past weekend and one of the speakers was David R. Ross. He was talking about one time at a similar festival he was speaking about the highlands and battles in the 1300's when an English woman spoke up from the crowd:

English Woman: You people came down into our territory and stole our cattle...

David Ross: Actually, we came down there to steal your women ... but one look at them and we went home with the cows...

 

What do you call a double decker bus with 10 Rangers fans falling off a cliff?


A waste of space you can fit alot more in.

 

Q.What's the diff. between a bus full of huns and a hedgehog
A. A hedgehog has its * on the outside.

 

Four Nuns die and go to heaven. They are all lined up at the Pearly
gates being asked questions by St Peter. The last question asked
is,"have you ever touched a *?"

The first Nun replied only once with the tip of my finger. St Peter
says dip your finger in the holy water and pass into heaven.

2nd Nun says once I held one in my hand! St Peter says dip your hand in
holy water and pass into heaven.

The Nun who is fourth in line pushes the third Nun out of the way and
goes to the front of the line.

St Peter says excuse me Sister that isvery rude of you, why did you do that?

Nun says sorry St Peter but if you think I’m going to gargle with the holy water after she's sat her * in it you can think again!!!

 

Boruc! What on earth have you done to him??

http://www.uefa.com/competitions/UCL/Players/Player=46853/index.html

 

^ i dont get it?

 

It looked like this before.

 

hahaha, some of these are hilarious!

 

What is the first sign of madness?














































Suggs coming up your driveway

please don't hate me......hehehehe

 

The tale of the dead duck!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00.

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had *.

"Tarzan not know *," he replied.

Jane explained to him what * was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "I check for squirrel."

 

Aussie housewife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in."Bruce, I've * suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up."You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate) to help."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples. "Play with her nipples?"
Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"