Jokes Thread

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. :
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

Had A Bad Day?

Linda came home to find Gary, her husband, in the kitchen shaking frantically, with some kind of wire running from his waist toward the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman!
STILL think you're having a bad day?

 

A primary teacher at St Mary's explains to her class that she is a Celtic fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are celtic fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Celtic fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Celtic fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Hearts fan and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Hearts fan?"
"Because my mum is a Hearts fan, and my dad is a Hearts fan, so I'm a Hearts fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Hearts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then,"
Mary smiled,
"I'd be a Rangers fan."

 

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The bizzies!
12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the Gary Glitter!

 

Dubs had one just like that a while ago!

It's great to hear these jokes every now and again!

 

sum fuuny jokes there CJbhoy m8

 

brilliant jokes bhoys

 

A man walks into the house with a duck under his arm and says ''this is the pig i've been *'' His wife says ''thats not a pig its a duck!'' Man replies ''i know it is, I was talkin to the * duck!''

 

Whats the difference between a bus load of rangers fans and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pri*ks are on the outside!!

 

NEWSFLASH!!

Fifteen immigrants badly injured in Bradford!






A set of bunk beds collapsed!

 

what has mail order jewelery and Garry Glitter got in common?







They both come in little brown boxes!

 

what do u call a hun with half a brain?











Gifted!

What do u call a hun with a whole brain?














A Tim!

 

Now, I don't particuarly like scousers, mainly 'cos they cheat like * at Bingo, but that isn't why I am having a pop at them!
You have to admit, they do bring it on themselves. I remember when I worked in the Jobcentre and one came in. I could hardly believe my ears when he asked for a job!

I told him that his timing was amazing " We've just got one in from a right rich * who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but all the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary is worth around 200,000 grand a year, but if that's not enough he is open to negotiation ".

The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"


"Well you started it!" I replied

 

And what about the Mancunians?
One walked into Spencers in Leeds all dressed up in his new

United shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Don Revie and Billy Bremner
on the wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says:

"Where do you think you're going?"

The guy replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Don Revie there and I

think I'd better leave,"

The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that.
You've got to roll the dice pal,"

The Mancunian looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"

The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap

out of you,"

The United fan says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go."

 

lol good one m8
keep them comin

 

Santa comes down the chimney to find the lady of the house standing there in her nighty, she says "Satna can you stay a while?" He replies "Ho Ho Ho, I gotta go" She takes off the nighty and is left in her underwear. Once again she says "Santa can u stay a while?" He replies "Ho Ho Ho i gotta go" She then strips down so shes naked and asked santa one last time "Santa please stay a while?" He replies "Ho Ho Ho, I gotta stay, i cant get up the chimney with my * this way!"

 

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

 

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square *?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

 

Three blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three blondes and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish."

Well, the first blonde is sick and tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears.

The second one said she, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears.

The genie then turns to the last blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says," I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..."

 

Lol three of them Funny as mate.