Jokes Thread

lol fukin brilliant ​

 

Lol

 

hahaha gd 1 m8

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my * to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's * and began to work back. "My *!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

 

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some *'s got my pen."

 

Wee Johnny walks into the bathroom one morning bursting for a pee. All of a sudden he notices his mum standing naked in the shower.
Johnny says 'Mum whats that thing between your legs?' and the Mum says 'That's my sponge son, away on out and play'
Next day wee Johnny comes back in to the bathroom just as his Mum has finished shaving her bush and says to her ' Ma what happened your sponge?'
His Mum says 'Oh i lost it son, go you away on out and look for it for me.'
An hour later an excited Johnny bursts into the house and shouts 'Mammy,Mammy i found your sponge!'


The Mum says 'Did you son, where is it?'






Johnny excitedly says, 'Your woman across the street's washing my Da's face with it!!!'

 

Don't get it.

 

lol top jokes bhoys !

 

>** Peter Kay's Universal Truths:**
>
>1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>
>
>
>2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>
>3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
>pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
>
>4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
>
>5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
>calculator.
>
>6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
>
> 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
>
>8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
>fire in your back garden.
>
>9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>
>10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>
>11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
>
>12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
>
>13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
>
>14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
>
>15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
>
>16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
>teacher mum or dad.
>
>17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
>first given opportunity.
>
>18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
>
>19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
>through and then raced against the flush.
>
>20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
>
>21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>
>2 2) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
>
>23) You never ever run out of salt.
>
>24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
>
>25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
>
>26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
>your hand or head stuck in something.
>
>27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
>
>28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
>arm broken by a swan.
>
>29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
>upturned plug.
>
>30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
>
>31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
>specifically to stir paint with.
>
>32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
>
>33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
>
>34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
>
>
>** Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:**
>
>
>1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>
> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
>the
>core of the earth?
>
>3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *?
>
> 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
>stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
>
>6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
>
>7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
>8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
>centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
>9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
>crisp no one would eat?
>
>10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
>11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
>squeeze
>these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>
>12) What do people in China call their good plates?
>
>13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
>14) What do you call male ballerinas?
>
>15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
>16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
>18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
>stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
>paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>
>19) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
>20) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
>window?

 

thats a cracker m8

 

Thats a cracker mate

 

hahaha * masel laughin et dat one fukin belter

 

www.scottishfunnies.piczo.com

 

hahaha mintit jokes

 

in the queue at tesco a * blond catches a blokes eye.
he cant believe shes lookin at him but she waves. he asks do i know you
she says yes i think you're the father of one of my children.
he gulps remembering his one and only act of infedelity then
asks her are you that dirty stripper i shagged on the pool table
on my stag do while your mate whipped me and shoved a cucumber
up ma *????... no! she replies, am your sonsenglish teacher

 

Quick Facts
Nickname: The Gers. Bears. The Huns
Manager: Alex McLeish. - Nickname, GoldMember (Austin Powers 3)
Ground: Ibrox - known as Castle Greyskull. But should really be called Snake Mountain.
Key Players: Nacho Novo, Dado Prso, Stefano Klosarinho
Interesting: Equalled Old Firm Rivals Celtic's 9 in a row. Former players include Derek Johnstone, Gazza, Laudrup
Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?
A: Legolas

Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.

* Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned

Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.

Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'

Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!

Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.

Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.


Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...

Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.

Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the *****s are on the outside.

Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the * and never seem to go away completely

Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria

Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

 

Edited the last bit Sparky.

I * up

 

Lol get it now,


What's Batman and Scousers got in common?




They can't go out without Robbin'

 

Paul Daniels and his wife Debbie McGee are doin a Magic Show in Blackpool and they're in front of a kinda tough crowd and Paul starts receivin a few boos, He tries to carry on but eventualy he loses his temper and goes over to the main Boo-er a Scottish Ned type guy, Paul Daniels says "...Listen why don't you go up on stage and do a Trick if you're so smart?..." so The Ned agrees and gets up on stage and starts using nearby handcuffs to chain Debbie to a Table and then starts to bend her over and rattle her from behind.. Paul Daniels jumps up from his make-shift seat and shouts "...No you * that's my Wife leave her alone ... that's not a Trick * STOP !!!!" and The Ned replies "...Naw but it's *' Magic!!..."


Lol

 

Beat this...

k4n3 proudly presents the biggest joke of all jokes:



TADAM!!!