Jokes Thread

rofl at the ATTORNEY/WITNESS jokes! they are grand


a very stupid joke:

2 stones are climbing a mountain. suddenly one of them says: please stop, i need a break. the other replies: shut up you fool, stones cant speak.

 

First-year students at medical school were receiving their first anatomy
> > class with the body of a deceased man. They all gathered around the
> surgery
> > table where lay the cadaver, covered with a white sheet. The professor
> > started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to
have
> two
> > important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you must not be
> disgusted
> > by anything involving the human body."
> > To prove his point, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
> finger
> in
> > the * of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
> ahead
> > and do the same thing," he told his students.
> > The students freaked out, and after a few minutes of hesitation, took
> turns
> > sticking a finger in the * of the dead body and sucking on it.
> > When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
> > second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger
> > and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish
Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad
says it will take the contagious."

 

Will try not to spoil it when translating

Hurried husband comes sad to home, looks at his wife and says:
-Get ready. I've just spoken with doctor and he said that your mom is going out of hopital and she's moving into our house.
-What are you talking about? - She looks confused - He told me in the morning that she's in a bad shape and can be dead till tomorrow.
-Well, honey, I don't know what he said to you, but he told me to "expect the worse".

 

thats a gd 1 m8

 

Put that as the Joke Of The Week on my site mate!

Heard it before I think, but it's quite a good one.

 

Nice Love Story...


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said,
"NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

 

I just made this up.



A Shoe-Bomber botches up a bombing campaign and survives and his wife comes to The Hospital and moans "I'm sick of it I'm working hard in 2 Jobs and lookin after our 4 kids and you're out getting * leg-less"!

 

Taxi for Celtic Man

 

thats a belter m8

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

***************************************************

I was going on holiday and I was on the aeroplane and was feeling sick, the plane had to land just as we got into America, the doctor came on, checked me over and said that I had carousel disease. I replied what is carousel disease the doctor replied I don't no but its going round.

****************************************************

A woman was standing in front of the mirror one morning and she said to her husband look at my flat chest I would like to have bigger *. Her husband said to her every morning wake up and rub toilet roll between your * do that for a couple of weeks and see what happens. A couple of weeks passed and the woman said to her husband this hasn’t done anything for me. He replied well it worked on your *.

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell
ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the
bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally
found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his
death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his
side. When he reached the street,


a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently
parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"but his face rings a bell"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on
his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless
campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The
first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the
poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty.". The bishop agreed to give the man an audition,
and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the
first monk asked breathlessly.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"But He's a dead ringer for his brother. "

 

That's a very big Joke book you must have D Bhoy you're a funny guy.

 

* mintit m8

 

nothing funny about copy and paste.

 

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts. "But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.
"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you." ​

 

This guy walks into a bar in Aberdeen and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa, America" ​

The bartender asks, "What th' * you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' * is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Apologies to Aberdonians, just a wee joke.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."​

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he follows through in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

 

Jeff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the

> barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring

> at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them

> alone.

We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there

Jeff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice

> snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding,

> teasing, and with an elegant flick Of his wrist, rolling them onto

> their little backs.

> like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational

> force,a man-magnet. Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said

> yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Jeff said yeah they

> really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision.

A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've

> gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others

> went yeah. Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song-sizzle of the

> snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ...come.

He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the

> barbecue shuffle; Jeff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the

> left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped

> our beer.

Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Jeff gave me the

> nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw

> sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too

> close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies

> like lovers - fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The

> chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill,

> falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid

> them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Jeff snapped his

> tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good the irresistible

> lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the

> shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped

> our beer.

Five men, lots of sausages. Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork

> that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and He showed

> a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little

> vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head, he

> said I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them. There was a

> long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer

> was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He

> didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the

> Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger - and everyone below was just a

> watcher.

Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock

> the Weber.

> Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying

> to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and

> our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her.

> She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for

> the only available space ... the gap in the circle where all the smoke

> and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try.

> She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her

> nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she

> couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off.

Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our

> beer, yeah. Jeff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I

> knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the

> abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was

> I ready for the responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and

> they glinted in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Jeff said

> as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house.

>
Yeah I called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP,

> before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my

> wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies.

>

> I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER.

>

> But only until Jeff got back from the toilet.

 

I hope again that I'll translate it properly.

A rabbit is walking through the forest and sings:
-I've just raped the lioness! I've just raped the lioness! Nanananana!
He meets the wolf. Wolf nods at him and says:
-What are you talking about? How did u managed to * the lion's wife? I don't believe you and you better won't meet lion. Shut up, little one.
Smiled rabitt doesn't care and still walking through the forest smiling and singing:
-I've just raped the lioness! I've just raped the lioness! Nanananana!
He meets the bear. Bear looks at him and says:
-Man, if you'll meet lion, you're pretty *. You better shut up, I've seen him around lately. Apart from that, you're a liar.
Smiled rabitt doesn't care and still walking through the forest smiling and singing:
-I've just raped the lioness! I've just raped the lioness! Nanananana!
Suddenly, a lion appears, he looks pretty *:
-You little punk!!! What did you said???
The rabbit responds, still smiling:
-I've just raped the lioness! I've just raped the lioness! Nanananana!
-I'm gonna rip you, you small *!
The lion starts chasing rabbit through the dense forest, they run one mile, two miles, three miles and suddenly the rabit jumps into his burrow and dissapears. The mad lion jumps into the hole as well, but he's too big and his head gots stucked. He cannot free himself at any chance. The rabbit comes out calmly from the back exit of his burrow, whistling. He stands behind the wriggling lion with a cheeky smile on his face and says:
-Now nobody's gonna believe me in this!

 

lol good one m8