Jokes Thread

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the
>>> > pub.
>>> > It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
>>> > Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence
>>> > was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting
>>> > through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the
>>> > driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
>>> > his road.
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
>>> > approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
>>> > more clearly....It was a coffin.
>>> > Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
>>> > started walking briskly home.
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > BUMP........
>>> > He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
>>> > faster.........
>>> > BUMP........BUMP.......
>>> > BUMP........BUMP.......
>>> > BUMP........BUMP........
>>> > The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog,
>>> > but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
>>> > BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
>>> > BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
>>> > BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
>>> > He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
>>> > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
>>> > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
>>> > BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
>>> > Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the
>>> > coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he
>>> > > pulled
>>> > out his keys,
>>> > His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived
>>> > inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front
>>> > > room,
>>> > and
>>> > slumped into his comfy chair.
>>> > Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
>>> > through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock
>>> > off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty
>>> > hinges
>>> > as
>>> > it continued its chase.....
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
>>> > legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked
>>> > the
>>> > door........
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>> > BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>>> > The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing
>>> > and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
>>> > the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
>>> > The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the
>>> > young terrified lad.
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
>>> > bathroom cabinet......
>>> > He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
>>> > coffin.......still it came ........
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it
>>> > ........still it came......
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it
>>> > came......
>>> > BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>>> > He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
>>> > The coffin stopped.

 

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my * off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of them are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his * wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

 

Haha, they're class Bhoywunda!

 

Superb Bhoywunda!

 

Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.


They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the
stunningly beautiful landlady.


"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi................." says the
Englishman.


Up steps the Irishman..


"Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui....."


Then the Scotsman tries..


"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th........"


"Oh * this!" says the beautiful landlady, and walks away to serve
someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are now ready to order.


"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi......" stutters the Englishman


"Three pints of gui gui gui gui...." tries Paddy.


And then Scotty starts.. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
th......"


"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a chat. "If any one of
you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I"ll let you sh*g
me".


Quite confident that nobody will win, she turns to the Englishman.


"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch
Manch, Manch..."


"No, you lose" says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?" trying not to laugh.


"E E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb....."


"Sorry, you lose" says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you
live?" she purrs at the Irishman.


"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh *!" says the landlady.


A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes
him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips
to her underwear, next she takes off her bra - exposing a fantastic
pair of jugs.


Finally she slides off her panties and then climbs into bed. Paddy,
with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory
and then, right at the climaxing stoke, he suddenly screams out....


"............... D D D D D D D Derry!

 

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one
other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good
morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know,leave
your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk
right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your
hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger
it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo
good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone
points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this
way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time
the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot
him with double-barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,
"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat
it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise
your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink
directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player'
within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once,
it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the
national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while
they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light
switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as
"Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really
have to go do a number two".
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad
Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk,
Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into
the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your
forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, * it, all
of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,
"As * is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I
look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask
"You wanna trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the
same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,
say, "I can't talk about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell
him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant.
Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,
etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your
desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the
back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when
someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and
biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your
chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each
meeting attendee, move them according to the movements
of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you...
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask
if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it
"IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "
FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with
the prophecy."
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what * they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a
tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of cashpoint,scream "I
Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're
loose!"

 

lmaf

There brilliant!

 

(quite an old one but always makes me smile)

>A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
>They talk, they connect, they end up leaving
>together.
>They get back to his place, and as he shows her
>around his
>apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
>packed with
>sweet cuddly teddy bears.
>Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the
>way along the
>floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
>little higher, and
>huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the
>wall.
>
>The woman is surprised that this guy would have
>a collection of
>teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
>but she decides
>not to mention this to him, and actually is quite
>impressed by his
>sensitive side.
>She turns to him... they kiss... and then they
>rip each other's
>clothes off and make hot steamy love.
>After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
>guy, they are
>lying there together in the afterglow, the woman
>rolls over and
>asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
>
>The guy says..

>
>
>
>
>(scroll down it's a beauty)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Help yourself to any prize from the bottom
>shelf."

 

The difference between men and women and how we think can't be more obvious than this!
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the * that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
=============================
His Side of the Story
Scotland lost again! Got laid though.

 

hear that Rangers have a new sponsor - Tampax
they're going through a bad period just now.

 

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, *?
A.) *: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
*.

Q.) Why does a * have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of *?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a * have in
common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your *?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!


Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed * with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an car mechanic just had *?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.

 

Handy Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first
place, you fat b*stards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog t*rd into the
bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get *, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.


Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.


Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right are by
m*sturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next * from the * of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc "tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your * life by trying a bit of 'rodeo *'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her
by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights
and driving the wrong way up one way streets

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling
your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger
outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your
house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the
same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake p*nis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to
your allegiance.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away

 

"High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins" - always wondered if this'd work...

 

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the
kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it
one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty
years,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife . . . . . . . . .






"F**k off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

 

What do you call a Donkey with only 3 legs?















A Wonkey...

...er I'll get my coat.

 

what do you call a football team that gets into the champions league and can't beat ICT, falkirk, dundee utd, Livi and gets gubbed by hibs..........

 

Ten-man Caley go ballistic...

 

* speaks to Marvin and announces....

'Marvin, come forth.'

Marvin says '*, we'll be lucky if we come fifth!'

 

A child was at a hearing because he was getting physically beatin by his parents at home. They asked what was the matter, and they say they beat him all the time.
They ask the boy if he could go live with his aunt and uncle, he tells them they beat him too..."What about your grandparents?"..."Nope, they're the same, they always beat me"
After hours of thinking, they come to the conclusion that they shall send the boy to Ibrox, as Rangers are incapable of beating anyone