Jokes Thread

lol that's a great one

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
>appropriate
>point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a
>password...something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather
>
>amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
>this to
>his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his
>password,
>he made it Plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
>P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when
>the computer replied:
>
>***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

thats a fukin cracker m8

 

One for HH

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

 

Think you've been on The Pete Doherty and Kate Moss Powder mate.

 

A burgular was stealin from a house when he heard a wee voice sayin "Jesus is watching you boy!" he stopped in his tracks nah it's * all he thought the house is empty I checked every room, he's taken all the valuables and is about to leave when again the voice appears "Jesus is watching you Boy!" he looks around to see who's said it again and this time discovers a parrot in cage, The Burgular then says "Listen Parrot I don't believe in * I'm takin this stuff and there's eff all you can do about it, I'd steal you as well but you're a pain in the *, I'm off * off..", "Naw I don't believe in * either the owner's Pitt-Bull is called Jesus ha ha" mocked The Parrot.

 

Tom, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news came on. The news
crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again

 

bungee jumping is like getting a * off your granny it feels good but for * sake don't look down

 

I'm not sure if this jokes had been posted here, anyway, they come from polish site,some of them good, some not. I'll try to translate as best as my poor English allows me...

Sven Goran Eriksson spoted a piece of * on the pitch, he looks at it and says:
-What's that * on the pitch?
Heskey answers:
-It's me, boss, but I'm good in the air!

How do you call Arsenal's fan in the suit?
-Accused.

What do you say to a hard-working Man City fan?
-I'll have a Big Mac.

-Why NASA sends their astronauts to train on White Hart Lane?
-Becouse it's the only place on Earth without atmosphere.

-How many Arsenal fans you need to switch the bulb?
-Seven. One switches, five of them complaints tactic and Arsen Wenger says: 'If a referee would done his jobproperly, the bulb woudn't break down".

Glasgow Rangers fan goes to heaven in Rangers shirt. He knocks on the heaven doors and sees, that the St. Peter comes out wearing a Celtic jersey.
- Hi pal - St. Peter says - I'm sorry but we don't let Rangers fans in.
- Wh... What?
- You've heard me, no Rangers fans, sorry...
- But... but... I've been a good man all my life!
- Oh, really? And what have you done then?
- Well... Three weeks before my death I gave 10 pounds on a hungry children in Africa.
- I see. Anything else?
- Yes! A week before my death I gave 10 pounds to homeless people.
- Hmmm... Anything else?
- Yes! Yes! A week ago I gave 10 pounds on a orphans in Albania!
- Ok - says St. Peter - Wait a minute, I'll talk to the Boss and we'll se what we can do.
He comes back a few minutes later and says:
- The Boss agrees with me. Here you are. Take your 30 pounds and * off!

And some photos:

 

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves *.

Since a Jewish wife demands sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi for advice. The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. "Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.That will help the wife fantasise, andshould bring on a full-blown *."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming *.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder andsays to him, triumphantly:

"THAT'S how you wave a * towel!"

 

lolz thats a cracker bhoywunda

 

The continuing Posh & Becks Saga ...





Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news.


The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.


Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"


To which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."


So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.


Beckham takes £5, 000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.


But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."


"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too.


I just didn't think he would do it again."





The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Zidane walks in.


"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."


"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."







David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store.


"What's that?" he asks.


"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.


"What does it do?" asks Becks.


The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.


Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.


"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."


The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.


"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.


"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.


"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.






Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".


So she takes the car home and tries it.


David spots her from the house and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"








David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.


Posh asks him why he is celebrating.


He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."


"Is that good?" asks Posh.


"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."






David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding.


Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control.


He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground.


His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.


Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending.


Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.







Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.


The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed.


Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.


About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.


He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied,


"the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter
made mad passionate love to me."


"Wow, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.


The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I've just killed the cow."

 

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:


Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!
​

 

thats a fukin belter m8

 

what's the difference between a blonde & a computer?

you only need to punch instructions into a computer once!




a dog walks into B&Q and asks the guy at the counter:
Dog: you got any jobs?
Guy: jobs? would you no be better in a circus?
Dog: what would a circus want with a kitchen fitter?


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and
was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde. The cop
asked to

see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse
and

was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The

driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the

policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

The Genius of Peter Kay :

>>

>> 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

>> I said, Thyroid problem?

>>

>> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

>> realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and

>> asked him to forgive me.

>>

>> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to

>>

> go

>

>> swimming.

>>

>> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't

>> get on with my real ladder.

>>

>> 5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

>> But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may

>> break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From

>> there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

>>

>> 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is

>> probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

>>

>> 7) * is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,

>>

> you'd

>

>> better have a good hand.

>>

>> 8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My

>> neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be

>> enough.'

>>

>> 9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out

>> of meat?

>>

>> 10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

>> and give the wrong answers.

>>

>> 11) You know that look women get when they want *? Me neither.

>>

>>

>> Peter Kay's questions...

>>

>> 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get

>> undressed?

>>

>> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down

>> to the core of the earth?

>>

>> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

>>

>> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside

>>

>> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do

>>

> is

>

>> stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

>>

>> 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

>>

>> 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

>> centuries' have a 'use by' date?

>>

>> 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a

>> horrible crisp no one would eat?

>>

>> 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

>>

>> 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll

>> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

>>

>> 11. What do people in China call their good plates?

>>

>> 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but

>> don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

>>

>> 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

>>

>> 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

>>

>> 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over

>> billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you

>> there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

>>

>> 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets

>>

> mad

>

>> at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of

>> the window?

>>

>>

>> Peter Kay's Universal Truths

>>

>> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

>>

>> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

>>

>> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when

>> your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

>>

>> 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

>>

>> 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008

>>

> into

>

>> a calculator.

>>

>> 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

>>

>> 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to

>> have

>>

> a

>

>> fire in your back garden.

>>

>> 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

>>

>> 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

>>

>> 10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy

>> ball.

>>

>> 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

>>

>> 12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call

>> your teacher mum or dad.

>>

>> 13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half

>> way through and then raced against the flush.

>>

>> 14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

>>

>> 15) You never ever run out of salt.

>>

>> 16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've

>>

> got

>

>> your hand or head stuck in something.

>>

>> 17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

>>

>> 18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had

>> their arm broken by a swan.

>>

>> 19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and

>> stepping

>> on an upturned plug.

>>

>> 20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

>>

>> 21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of

>> wood specifically to stir paint with.

>>

>> 22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

>>

 

A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an
>obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good
mood
>as he served them food and drinks.
>
>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
>aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked
>me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
>lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be
>super."
>
>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
>well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>
>"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines."
>he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
>pitty-pat us on the ground."
>
>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
>called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight
>attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
>country I'm
>called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *."

 

Quality Dubsy, had me in stiches for about 5 minutes

 

Hahaha.

Think I heard that one before.

 

Cursed

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Getting Married

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little * is adorable anymore.