Jokes Thread

lol

 

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
> It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
> Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
> only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
> dustbin.
>
>
> Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
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> BUMP........
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> BUMP........
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> BUMP........
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> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the
> driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
> his road.
>
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> BUMP........
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> BUMP........
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> BUMP........
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> He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box
> approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
> clearly....It was a coffin.
>
>
> Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
> started walking briskly home.
>
>
> BUMP........
>
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> BUMP........
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> BUMP........
> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> faster.........
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> BUMP........BUMP......
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> BUMP........BUMP..
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> BUMP........BUMP......
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> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
> heard the coffin speed up after him......
>
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> BUMP........BUMP...BUMP?
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> BUMP........BUMP...BUMP?
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> BUMP........BUMP...BUMP?
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> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
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> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
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> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
> only
> seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
> keys,
> His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
> slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
> slumped into his comfy chair.
>
>
> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
> through
> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
> allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
> its
> chase.....
>
>
>
>
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
> take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
> door........
>
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> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP?
>
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> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP?
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> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP?
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> The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
> launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
> bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
>
>
> The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
> terrified lad.
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
>
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH?
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
>
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> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
> cabinet......
> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
> coffin.......still it came .......
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it
> came......
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH?
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> He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
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> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH?
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> He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
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> The coffin stopped.

 

That is yer worst ever dubs

 

wow that was a solid minute of my life wasted

 

That was funny Dubs!

There's nothing like a good anti-climax.

 

it took you a minute to read them few lines ??

whats a solid minute ?? can you get a soft one or a liquad one ??

hippies

 

Pfffft

 

> > 3 couples on holiday in Scotland,
> > An American Couple
> > An English couple
> > A couple from Glasgow
> >
> > They are at breakfast in the same B&B when the American man says to his
> wife
> > "pass the Honey - Honey" The English man hearing this not wanting to be
> > outdone says to his wife "Pass the Sugar - Sugar" The man from
Easterhouse
> > then says to his wife.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > .."Geeze the Milk ya cow"

 

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important

guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be

perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails

for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach

with the bucket to gather some snails.



Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,

down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails,

he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little

further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be

great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to

gathering the snails.



All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right

over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place

They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next

morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"



He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,

and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

he ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs; he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all
this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, and then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far now!"

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's wrong with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner goes, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough.

 

a guy walks into a shop and asks one of the workers is they sell blow up dummies.
the worker say's yes theirs 2 kinds a normal one and an iraqi one
the guys say's well whats the difference
tyhe worker replies yoo blow up the normal one but the iraqi one blows itself up

 

Took me longer than a minute to read it!

Although, after working it out for about another minute, it was worth it, Good one Dubs

 

that snails one was classic. I'll have to remember that one

 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the > > coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair > > smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her > > complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she > > wants to write a se*xual harassment grievance against him. The Human > > Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's = > > se*xually > > threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The = > > woman > > replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY" Go slow and watch out for the chicks

BEER TESTING------ Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.


The Hypnotist--------------- A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!


An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. > >While suffering the agonies of impending death, > >he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the >stairs. > >He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. > > Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, >and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he >crawled downstairs. > >With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the >kitchen. > >Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in >heaven, > >for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were >dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final >act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, >seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? > >Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the >table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, > he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, >seemingly > bringing him back to life. > >The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone >at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula >by his >wife . . . . . . . . > > > " * Off!! ", she said, "They're for the funeral"





THREE WOMEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY - WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE ILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX!"



A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem p*ssed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock Cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times,cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


By Any Other Name An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it." The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A Carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" "No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't > >seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". > > > > > > > >"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" > > > > > > > >"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." > > > > > > > >"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm > >fine now". > > > > > > > >"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" > > > > > > > >"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword >fight. > >My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really". > > > > > > > >"What about that eye patch?" > > > > > > > >"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked > >up and one of them shat in my eye". > > > > > > > >"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just > >from some bird doo-doo?" > > > > > > > >"It was my first day with the hook"







Cold Winter................... It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

The last one is a cracker Dubs.

 

There was a Celtic fan with a seat at CP which wasn't under cover and the rain was steaming down. Looking across he spotted an empty seat a few rows back. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken wee man?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Celtic fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

 

Here are some quickies. (I have changed them)

Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?
A: Legolas

Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.

Alex McLeish was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.

 

lol I liked the first one, those "quickies" were pretty poor though

 

I like this one:

Francis Jeffers' wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the eejit. So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."

The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."