Jokes Thread

A reporter for the Daily Record is walking through the park where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without thinking the second boy beats the dog to death with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking the reporter writes "brave Rangers fan saves his friends life", but the boy tells him that he's NOT a Ger. So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan saves friends life" So when the boy says he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter asks who he does support, and when the young kid says Celtic, the reporter changes the headline to "* * murders family pet".

Aint that the truth...

 

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."

 

like it mate!

 

http://www.crazyjoe.us/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=1540&sort=1&cat=all&page=3

 

This Kid will go far…



This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!



NAME: Greg Bulmash.



*: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.



DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.



SALARY: Less than I’m worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.



AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.



SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

First class mate, that guy is going places.

 

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
-! Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening <sum>
Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned o! ut it was a * hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs. Why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey ˜ you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation ˜ but I'm not
very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go throu! gh a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

 

Glasgow stories, Apologies to those that don't 'Parliamo Glasgow'

GLESGA STORIES > This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper

when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying

pan. > > Whit wis that fur?" he cries. > > "That wis for the piece of paper

in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. >

Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races

Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied

and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. > Three days

later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with

the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "whit

the * wis that fur?" > "Your horse phoned!" she said.

A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in

the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they

both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on

the>lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm

sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could

possibly pass me another blanket." > The man leans out and with a glint in

his eye, says, "I've got a better idea .let's kidd-on wir married.> " Why

not," giggles the woman. > Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket

A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh,

she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?"

asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given

a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks > The boy

says, 'I play the part of the Scottish husband. > The mother scowls and

says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs

to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was

trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And

so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,

Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" > The

teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

> One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F****** *! A

talking pig!'" > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes !

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting

on the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his

weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed

or bottle fed. > "Breast fed," she replied. > Well, strip down to your

waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped,

and pinched both * for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough

examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby

is under weight. You don't have any milk !" > I know," she said, "ah'm his

Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN.

NICKNAMES:

If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in£20,
even though it's only for£32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a£2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins,answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:

C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are
on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now. WHAT A MAN HEARS:

C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

 

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, Where's Mum and dad?"
And she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mum and Dad?"
And she replied; "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his Grandma "where's Mum and dad?"
And his grandmother replied; "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother said;
"Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."


A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.

Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed, "Again?"

The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do?"

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can't explain."


A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3 little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and says "How are you today little doggy?"

To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"

The girl then turns to the second dog and says "How are you today little doggy"

The dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"

The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be"

At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"

 

Lol I feel bad for the farmer

 

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going
argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for
days, and frankly *
was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, * said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,> > and
from those results,
I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.

They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They
e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did
spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan
was faster than *.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured,
and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed
every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each
of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went
out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has
all his work and
I don't have any?"

* just shrugged and said...








"Jesus saves."

 

Whats the difference between pity and shame?



A bus load of Rangers fans crash; thats a pity.

There are three survivors; now thats a * shame!!!

 

FanFan: I want to win the champs league with the rangers.

 

Ouch

 

> > > > Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
> > > despite his 72 years of age, he could still have * three times a
> night.
> > > Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
> > > >
> > > > After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd
> love
> > > tae hae * wi an aulder man.
> > > >
> > > > Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have
> > great
> > > *. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep
> for
> > > half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm
> shleeping,
> > > hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu
> > looks
> > > a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour,
> awakens,
> > and
> > > they have even better *.
> > > >
> > > > Then Sean says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
> for
> > an
> > > hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your
> left
> > > hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the
> routine
> > and
> > > complies. The results are mind blowing.
> > > >
> > > > Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean,
> tell
> > me,
> > > dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right
> > > stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies,
> > > >
> > > > "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my
> > wallet."

 

Just after lunchtime, Suzie - the little preschooler - walks into the class sit's down at her desk.
"what did you do for your lunchtime Suzie?"
"i played in the sand-pit, it was fun"
"Well, if you can spell sand, ill give you a home-made cookie..."
"Ok...S...A..N...err...D, Sand!"
"Well done Suzie, here you go"
A few moments later Timmy walks in...
"what did you do for your lunchtime Timmy?"
"i played in the sand-pit with Suzie"
"Well, if you can spell sand, ill give you the second home-made cookie of the day..."
"Thats easy" said Timmy..." S A N D"
"Very good, here you go, enjoy"
Then the fat kid Billy walks in
"What did you do for lunch Billy, did you have fun?"
"I wanted to play in the sand-pit with Timmy and Suzie but they said i was too fat to play"
"That sounds like descrimination, now if you can spell discrimination, you can have the last cookie..."

 

Devil catched 3 people: from Germany, Ireland and Poland.
He gave 2 small metal balls to each and promised that would leave them if thay do something amazing with them.
After while German flip one high and hit it by second one.
Good, good - said Devil.
Irishman put one on the ground and second onto. -it stood!
-(devil) Ekhm... it`s suprise me a little bit... Nice, but let`s see what this Pole will do.
Unfortunately, he demage one and lost second. )

 

First USA expedition landing on moon. Neil Amstrong is getting of from spaceship and suddendly, he noticed three people. Chineese, Russian and Polish.
**!?!?!? - ask Neil with amazing.
Chineese:
- There is a lot of us, one stand on another and... I`m here.
Russian:
- Our KGB made great work- we simple were faster!
*then he turned to Pole and ask: "And You...?"

-Leave me! I`m coming back from wedding.

 

Devil attracted on the rocks English, French, German and Pole.
*First he told to English:
- Jump!
- No!
- Gentleman would have jump.
And Englisman jumped.
*Next- French:
- Jump!
- No!
- Gentleman would have jump.- No. I wouldn`t jump!
- But it`s modern now.
And Frenchman jumped.
*Now german:
- Jump!
- No!
- Gentleman would have jump.- No. I wouldn`t!
- But it`s modern now.
NOOO!
- I`ll give you an order!
german jumped...
*Last one, Devil spoke to Pole:
- Jump!
- No!
- Gentleman would have jump.- No!
- But it`s modern now.
No way!
- I`ll give you an order!-
phi! No no no!
*Devil (desolate) "ehh, so * you. don`t jump..."
And Pole jumped