Jokes Thread

its xmas eve and two men are chatting in a pub , one more wealthy than the other.
wealthy man : i got my wife a diamond ring and a diamond necklace for xmas , what did you get yours?
poorer man : i got my wife a pair of slippers and a *.
wealthy man : why did you buy her a *?
poorer man : because if she dosn't like the slippers , she can go * herself.

 

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when
he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little
ladders
hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog
and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely
fire
engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of
the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you
how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog
and
at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says

You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would
I?'

 

A dwarf woman goes to the doctor.

The doctor says "What can I do for you?"

The dwarf woman says "Doctor, everytime it rains my f*nny gets sore."

The doctor doesn't understand and asks her to explain.

So she says "I don't know what it is, but everytime it's raining, my
f*nny
f*cking kills me."

The doctor says "Well, I'll tell you what, come back and see me when
it's
raining and I'll have a look."

A couple of days later it's p*ssing down with rain and the dwarf
woman's
back at the doctor."

"Right," he says. "Hop on to the table and I'll take a look at you."

So she gets on the table and the doctor examines her.

Then he goes and gets his scalpel.

He comes back and says "Ok, just relax now, I just need to do a couple
of
cuts here and there."

Then he tells her to stand up and asks "How's that now ?"

"That's excellent, doctor said the dwarf woman.....no pain, what
exactly did
you do?"

Doctor says "Oh, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your
wellies."

 

Your scraping the bottom of the barrell now Dubs!

 

Q. What did the fashion-conscious suicide bomber say before he died?

A. Does my bomb look big in this?



Yes that was crap

 

that was crap

 

That was beyond crap if that's possible!

 

I KNOW THAT ISN`T JOKE BUT JUST SEE IT )))))

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/NABBED1.html


football is really more danger than I suppose

goodnight.

 

Looked liked Celtic's defence to me. No structure to it at all.

That commentator thinks he's at the World Cup!

 

poor grandma ))))))))
I can`t watch it any more...

 

Yanks and exaggeration!

 

.

 

Aha, that's a cracker bhoywunda!

 

good, good...

9/10!!!

 

Jokes if the PC brigade got their way.




What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.

**************

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic
engineering.

*************

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on
an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a
ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they
wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of
varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from
hunger.

*************

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops
struggling.

*************

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

*************

So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating
again.

*************

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's
office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?"
The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"

*************

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder
case in a remote field.

*************

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

" Would you like an ice pack? "

*************

Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of
need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"

*************

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His
cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his
first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the
cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when
the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to
rape him. Savagely.

*************

A man walks into a bar

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress
unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails,
drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home
late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

*************

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls
over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an
ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw
earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".

****************

A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by
park and released.

****************

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.


****************

What's the difference between a post box and a *?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and
a * is the passage leading from the opening of the * to the
cervix of the uterus in female mammals.


****************

Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.


****************

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?".
The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance
and the extent to which I am now protected by law."


****************

Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's f*cking cold.


****************

A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving
metal boxes with wheels.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who
hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't
affect acceleration due to gravity.


****************

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


****************

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust

****************

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


****************

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for *. He
contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is
born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child
replied "No. No I don't."

****************

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to
answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your
questions?"

 

No offence Dubs coz my jokes are the worst, but I really didn't find any of them funny. Were they just for a laugh, I mean to laugh at how bad they are?

 

Not that i sat down and thought them up but there the best jokes i've heard in ages if you don't get it you don't get it.

 

They were so dry they need KY jelly

 

Ah, you have extremely gifted friends to have been sent such outstanding stuff and, like you, I found the last post up there with the best you have hit us with.

I humbly submit this to you, sir. Although, I suspect you will have already seen it...but it still makes me pish

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's

accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the

Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story.



Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.



I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.



Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure A slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.



In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.



This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, However, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to

move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.



This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.



Kind Regards,



Mike Pashby