Good Football Jokes

Ill Start ,
A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, “Liverpool 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,” reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.
Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, “Oh, no, not again.”
The shocked landlord says, “That’s amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost?”
“Because he’s a Spurs supporter,” the dog’s owner replies.
The landlord then asked what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him three years.” :bbpd:

 

Whats the diffrence between an apple and an orange?

you dont hear of too many apple *

 

an irish pal told me that, nearly pished masell laughing

 

What is Juande Ramos dressing up for Halloween as?

A pumpkin because he wishes he could turn into a coach at midnight.

 

VIRUS WARNING!!! PLEASE READ
It has come to our attention here at Cleator Moor Celtic.Net that a new breed of viruses are spreading amongst the countries computer systems. Advice on avoiding the problems is at the bottom of the list.

There are many varieties of this virus, each affecting your computer in a different way. Details of each Variant are shown below.

The Manchester United Virus - This where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Manchester United Shirt Virus - Designed to drain your bank account. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.

The David Beckham Virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane Virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson Virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Wayne Rooney Virus - Will take numerous attempts to get into the net often failing completely.

The Ronaldo Virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.

The Van Der Sar Virus - You just can't save anything.

The Dressing Room Virus - Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.

All these problems can be avoided by supporting Liverpool (Come on you reds). I now await the backlash from the United supporters (mainly from Japan and China).

 

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Tottenham FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"

 

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass rangers fan?"

 

A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rangers fan says, "So you're a celtic fan, that's interesting. I'm a rangers fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from * that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The celtic fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from *!" The celtic fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely * wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the rangers fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the celtic fan. The celtic fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the rangers fan. The rangers fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The celtic fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"

 

belter

 

Lol had to laugh at that tottenham one

 

The spurs manager won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall. He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said, "Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."

 

A rather devout young Catholic schoolboy from Glasgow was going on a visit to the Vatican, accompanied by his mother. As they were packing for the trip the youth voiced his worries about whether or not he would actually get to meet the Pope among the thousands of people who would be in St Peter's Square. His mother reassured him.
'Don't worry, son. We'll have you kitted out in a brand-new Celtic strip. The Holy Father will spot that a mile away, and knowing they're a good Catholic team he's bound to stop and talk to you'
The lad was accordingly resplendent in the green and white hoops as they stood outside St Peter's, watching the Popemobile trundling along through the crowd. Before it reached them the vehicle stopped and they saw the Pope get out and say a few words to a boy wearing a Rangers top. He then got back into the Popemobile and drove past the Celtic youth without stopping. The lad was understandably very upset and he burst into tears. His mother comforted him.
'Never mind, son. I don't know what that was all about. Maybe he was making a point of welcoming a Protestant to the Vatican. Tell you what, we'll come back tomorrow and we'll have you in a Rangers strip this time. He'll be bound to speak to you then.'
So they scoured Rome's sportswear shops for a Rangers top. It wasn't a particularly easy thing to find, but luck was with them and they managed to buy one. The next day they were back at St Peter's, with the boy in unaccustomed blue. As the Popemobile drew nearer the lad became more and more excited. Sure enough it stopped right in front of him. The boy could hardly believe it when the Pope got out and came right up to him. He bent down to the lad and spoke to him. 'I thought I told you to * off yesterday.'

 

At Ibrox one Saturday afternoon two Rangers supporters were seated side by side. One had his transistor radio glued to his ear, following the live commentary from Celtic Park, as desperate to learn how badly the Enemy were doing as he was to take in the action of the game in front of him. At one point he couldn't restrain a groan.
'What's up?' his pal asked. 'The ref's went an gied the Celtic a penalty.' 'Away!' cried the other Bear. 'That wis never a penalty!'

 

This is my party piece joke only love it

The pope is on a visit to scotland and decides to take a nice trip down the coast. Upon reachiong some nice cliffs he looks out at the view but to his surprise he sees a man in a rangers jersey being attacked by a shark far out to sea. There is noway he can possibly live he thinks until Suddenly around the corner comes a boat carrying 3 lads with celtic jerseys who drive over to the incident, one courageously throws a spear straight into the sharks chest, they then beat the shark to death and lift the rangers supporter on board. They drive back to the coastline with the rangers fan still breathing,the pope makes his way over.
Fair play to you lads that was an absolutely outstanding moment, I have heard alot about sectarianism and hatred in glasgow but this my friends was the best gesture I have seen. may * be with you my friends. He then blesses them and then drives off into the dust.
the spear thrower turns to his mate "who was that fella?"
His mate informs him that it was his holiness the pope and how much of an honour that was.
"well he knows * all about shark hunting, now hows that bait or will we get another one?"

 

hahahahaha

Brilliant man.

 

"London Underground wish to apologise for the severe points failure in the Tottenham area."


"David Blaine was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Darren Bent."


"You can buy 'Spurs, The Glory Years' from most shops, priced £200. That's £5 for the tape and £195 for the Betamax player."


"What's the difference between Father Christmas and a Spurs win? Some people actually believe Father Christmas exists."


"Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, Juande?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger."

 

Rangers