Best man speech Help

I am going to be the best man at a wedding this month in the USA and so i was wondering if anyone knew of any funny one liners i could add in to it? Iv endlessly scoured the internet but iv not been impressed wif a lot i have seen. Im starting to feel some nerves as i really want to make a good job of it...

One such that i heard was

"Joe has promised me that if i do a good job today, i can be the best man at his next wedding too"... its simple and it might draw a laugh from the crowd

Any help or stories would be appreciated

 

When I went to jail I was bent over over a table and violenty * up the *.

Sometimes I think my mate JOE takes Monopoly a bit too seriously



Should break the ice (courtesy of fannyhaddock)

 

Jokes about how the mother-in-laws don't fit into their dresses always goes down well.

 

"This will be the shortest best man speech ever"


Sit down and pass the mic.

 

Dont make it to long, the last wedding I was at the best man speech lasted 43 minutes or something. Was nearly asleep by the end. The people on the other family were actually taking bets on how long it would take.

 

"Someone told me the couple were going to [Insert place] on their honeymoon but I dont think they are right. When I asked the groom just last week what he was planning for the honeymoon he said he was going to Bangor"

 

I mind joe dropped a pound coin one time...

 

My mates wedding, his father in laws speech was turgid. I got up and went outside until he finished.

Long speeches will bore the * off of people.

A couple of funnies, compliment the bride and bridesmaids & then sit down.

Not really funny for those involved but at another wedding I attended; the venue in which the reception took place was in the news a couple of months previous. The roof collapsed in part of the hotel one night(two folk injured), so the best man before making the speech stood and stuck on a high viz jacket & a hard hat. Went down well with the guests but the staff were slightly unhappy.

 

This.


Speeches over 5 minutes are usually *.

 

"When joe asked me to be his best man, I had no hesitation in accepting. We've been through a lot together....and it's nice to see so many of them here today."

 

so wrong on so many levels. .

when i was best man at my mates 3rd wedding his wife was 4 months preggers and did not want her parents to know, so i stood up and handed her a small wrapped present and told everyone it was to prevent any more pitter patter of tiny feet, and her face fell cos she thought in was a packet of condoms.
but it was a old fashioned mousetrap.

odd thing was i was the only one who thought it was funny,
just goes to show what a secret and drink will do to you. :icon_mrgreen:

 

Stand up and address the bride,ask her who she thinks is really the best man,then thrust yer * in her general directio.That should get the party started.

For more info contact -Bigkev@weddingruiners.divorceessoon

 

Better yet, thrust yer * in the direction of the bride's father!

 

aye and tell him you`re paying for this,as you stick it in his face

 

Marraige is like a deck of cards... In the beginning all you need is a couple of hearts and a diamond... In the end you'll wish you had a * club and a spade!!

 

at my sisters wedding was best man and opened with the line

'when I first found out that dave was getting married and was going to spend the rest of his life with one woman, i took him up the *.....strange name for a pub but we had a good night'

went down well with most got a few horrified looks and a long silence before the pub part but was a good start! still got the speech saved on my pc can pm you it if you like ?

 

"Can I just say a big thank you to the hotel staff - the food, I'm sure you will agree, was fit for a Prince!"

"Here, Prince!!"

That gets a laugh!

 

When I had to write my best man speech I got a lot of pointers from google on how best to do the structure and where to use the one liners etc. Was shaking like a leaf when I did the speech, nervous as *.

Belter!

 

If your going to read out a few of the cards, i put this one in there...


Last Card

Dear Paul, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool I do hope you made the right choice, love……………..Michael Barrymore.​

 

Start telling a really boring story about your pal and then say 'but I digress, long story short, by the end you couldn't tell what was chocolate and what was poo. To the bride and groom!'