Dating Disasters

While I didn't do anything "stupid" per say with the girl, it was a stupid move on my part. So my buddy was into this bird for about a year, and they were good friends always hanging out and he bought her a lot of stuff (food, coffee, etc) but whenever he'd hint at pushing the relationship further she would shoot it down. So I didn't know this girl that well at first, but as she'd become better friends with my friend we became friends. One night, she was at a party that I was at, but my other friend wasn't there. We both proceeded to get * out of gourds and made out on a couch, except it was in a basement where the drinks were and my buddy came down and apparently saw us making out (neither of us remember seeing him). Needless to say my buddy was * off and when I tried to pursue things further she blew me off. So after a couple weeks, I apologized to my friend (I really did feel bad, he really was stuck on her for awhile) and he accepted at first, but wasn't too happy when I said "Don't worry, she's a horrid kisser!" and wouldn't talk to me for a couple weeks after that.

 

Didn't happen to me, a mate of mine told me that story.

once he went out he met that older lady and they got on well. he bought her a few drinks and they were partying all night long. later she took him home and in the morning when he woke up he went to the toilet. on the way to the toilet he met his old schoolmate.

that's when he realized he just boned the mother of an old school mate

 

lol

 

a few years ago i met a girl off the net, was talking to her for a couple of weeks on the phone n *, she sounded sexy as * and talked all the patter (with the confidence only stunning girls usually do) and when I asked what she looks like she says "tanned, nice figure..etc etc" so im thinking "i could be into something good here". anyway..i was on a * up one night and asked her up to mine and she accepted the offer, i was staying with my parents at the time but had a pretty sound big attic bedroom. my mum let her in (i was crashed out), I woke to what i can only describe as a big * elephant standing beside my bed...i kinda froze for a min in shock (as this was not what i was expecting) then said "orite" asif iv never spoke to her in my life. i spent most of the time she was there down stairs on the computer and asking my parents how the * do i get out of this one, then she appears down wonderin what im doin and starts talking to my parents etc and leaning on my shoulder when im on the computer lol..i was kinda leaning the other way towards the wall..i ended up having to invite a mate up to bail me out and eventually came up with a pretty sound plan and got rid of her. my dad ripped the * right out me.

moral of the story...if you ever want to meet someone off the net get a pic first!

 

Hahahahaha pishing myself, brilliant.

 

Did you walk downstairs in the scud? No wonder he was * off.

 

Another one...

When I was 15, dating a girl from a * school across town I had been seeing her for a couple of weeks when one weekend I was at hers we were in her room, now she had the box room of the house it was tiny, more like a cupboard. We were lying on her bed and she said can you turn your back I've got surprise for you, but I don't want you to look until i'm ready.

Ya dancer I thought I was well in and my smooth moves had worked so I sat up and turned around, she got off the bed and went to the otherside of the room..there was a lot of rumaging going on and I was praying to * she was getting her kit off a couple of minutes later she said you turn round now.....

So I did

And she started playing the * bagpipes. Full blow...room shaking like an earthquake me looking shocked as *. She did it for a couple of minutes then asked me what If i thought she was any good.

Quickest I have ever lost an erection in my life and i'm stiff a bit deaf in my left ear to this day!

We didn't last long after that.

 

Lol, brilliant stories in here!

I was out on the * one night and met up with this "stunning" girl, she was all over me, and I thought Im on to one here. We ended up back at her's for the no-pants-dance, she lived with her mum and step dad but they were away on holiday so I could stay over and wouldnt have to worry about sneaking out the next day. Anyway, after we did the deed I crashed out on the couch, * naked.

Well she had got the dates wrong when her parents were coming home.

So there I was, starkers on the couch, morning glory in full stature! when all I hear is, in this deep based thick russian accent... "you like military?"

Her step dad, 6ft 3, ex russian army, hard as * * with shaved head and handle bar moustache, was standing over me holding on to my dog tags I had round my neck!

I nearly followed through right there on the couch!

Her mother then walks in carrying the suitcases, stares right at me (and my rapidly disappearing hard on!) drops the cases and screams something in that can only be understood by animals! then this BIG * off dog comes bouncing into the living room and starts going crazy!

I would have ran had the dog not trained its eyes on my *, and the dad still gripping my dog tags round my neck!

Then comes rushing down stairs the "stunner" from the night before in tears, begging her mum to calm down. I clearly had the beer goggles on btw! so as she is talking to her mum, the big russian starts smiling at me lets go of my chain and says "back door in kitchen before she gets mad"

That was my que, I grabbed my clothes and fell out the back door (my legs were like jelly!) still starkers! and ran all the way home in the rain, topless cos i didnt grab my Tshirt!

Never seen her again, but see the step dad in the pub, he always laughs at me and tells everyone in the pub the story, bought my a pint too!

 

I was out on 'double date' with my mate, his bird and her best friend who id never met before. I turned up to meet them and was actually shocked when I saw her. She wasnt ugly, far from it actually, but she was a doctor at the sexual health clinic who had carried out a couple of tests on me a couple of days before! Results were clear but she had obtained some very intricated details of my * life and needless to say I never saw her again after that. I was absolutely mortified, my mate was loving it tho, the swine!

 

Was out with my mate at the garage and decided to meet up with this girl who I've sorta been seeing (more like friends with benefits). So I was like to her "my mates here, bring one of your mates". So aye, she brings this blonde haired girl - v. good looking and has the chat and the confidence. Brilliant says I. My mate on the other hand is just a complete 100% lads lad, he loves to get his hole and he won't hang around and chase.

So we bump into a taxi back to hers - empty, yas. Although it wasn't an empty was it? Her brother was sleeping in the other room for work in the morning. Big *, 6" atleast built like a tank. Brilliant eh.

Anyway, we're in the house and my mate has had abit too much to drink. So he's giving this girl the chat and its just not happening. He goes into a rant and is like "This is * *" i'm away. So he ends up in the kitchen making toast! Ate the toast and then went into her living room and dinked on the tele. All the time I'm sitting in her room with her and her mate embarassed as *. So anyway he comes bursting through the door like "some guy in a white t shirt just came into the living room stared at me and asked me if i wanted a drink...this is * freaky as * im leaving" and after much "dont go" he boosts. At this point we're in Queens park and we live in Easterhouse so its a fair bit away - esp at 4am. So I text him with a local taxi number - I'm not leaving, I'm onto a promise. He texts me back like "Just walking it home". So I'm sitting in this room with the bird and her mate trying to talk and just get a laugh, * some music on, her mate will be going home soon, keep your eye on the goal sorta thing. Chap Chap. 2 of her other mates arrive - fuckkkkkking *. Sitting in this room like a spare * on her bed wondering what the * going on. So I give her a whisper in the ear "think im gonna head home" and shes like "nah its fine they'll be gone soon".

*beep beep* - text on my phone. My mate... "Was just walking home and I got about 500 yards up the road to the opticians and some assylum seekers have invited me up for a party yassss we're getting a chippy...sittin in the hoose the noo! ". Me being the * I am blurt this out in the room and he starts getting alot of stick. There ripping the pish constantly and then it kinda dawns on me that hes in a house full of strangers so I text him like "get the * out of there you complete *. get back up here". He doesnt reply and I'm like right I need to go in a panic shoes on jacket on nearly out the door when he replies "4 guys came out of a room there pure dodgey i made up an excuse that i've got training in the morning and got out of there, jumped a taxi into town and now on a bus wi a sausage supper..."

So now its about half 5-6am and I'm getting abit tired of hanging around in this house. When one of her mates hits out with "We're just going to go back to my house and play abit of crash bandicoot, leave yous 2 too it". Now at half 5 in the morning the idea of a game of Crash Bandicoot seemed * amazing to me. I asked if I could go, was right up for a wee fight against Cortex.

Spent the next hour trying to get my hole because she was offended that I wanted to go and play Crash...eventually got down to business. Boosted out of her house at 9am before her brother woke up - or so I thought. He seen me from his room window walking up the street. Obviously he didn't come chasing me or that. But he did give her alot of questioning as to who I was and why the * I was in the house. Needless to say - 4 weeks later when I bumped into him in her hall, he wasn't best pleased.

 

hahaha

 

you should have done the old "im going to get my jacket/toilet and dont come back,,

 

Not exactly a date as such but.......

Me and my mate were out clubbing years ago. We met these 2 twins (pretty but also scummy). We arranged to meet them back at their flat. Only 1 turned up.

It was about 6 in the morning and she was trying to * my mate so I went and lay down on her bed (she had a huge bedroom with a sofa etc in it). They moved to the bed (where I was lying, trying to get some kip). I thought they were just going to nod off because I couldnt hear anything (or feel the bed moving about). She then started to feel my *. Never one to miss an opportunity, I returned the compliment and shoved my middle finger up her *. I just about died when I felt another finger in there also - I thought "nice one, dirty * is fingering herself too!!!!. After a wee while I realised it was my mates finger!!. True this bit - we shook hands in between her legs and continued to ram her.

I then went over the the sofa where she followed me. She was sucking me off and I could see my mate watching us from the other side of the room - he had his * in his hand.

I couldnt resist this next bit (still makes me laugh out loud) - I (silently) got my mates attanetion and gestured for him to "watch this". When I thrust my hips forward she almost chocked (the noise you make when you put your fingers down your throat). I have never had to try so hard not to laugh in my life.

We ended up leaving at about 8am with her alseep on her sofa and me and my mate * ourselfs all day.

Sorry for any girls reading this - I know its a bit graphic.

 

Nah i wasnt Naked rather worse had a pair boxers on and and had a nice morning wood on , was down stairs to make breakie , He was abit of a nutter so i got off rather lightly , Was expecting him to chop my bollocks off ,

 

Name, Number??

 

Once went out with girl on cold, foggy winter morning to strathclyde park, was walking round and at one of the water falls she fainted, i had to lift her away and was * it cos it looked like i had murdered her!

 

hahahah these stories are * quality.

 

took a bird on a first date to a concert(the cribs at the barras).anyway got * * on the train up,took her to bairds bar for a few,(she was a hun),then went into the gig.the band came on,started to jump around.as i was jumping,i elbowed her straight on the nose,blood everywhere!
she then went to the toilet to get clened up,i staggered to the bar for more drink,now i at this point was rat arsed and a bit * off cos she wasnt responding to any of my subtle advances.she then comes back,covered in blood and looking like a mess tbh.anyway gave her the drink and went in for the drunken winch..she then * knocked me back.at this point,me being a drunken *,and i do relise that i was being a total funny i said "dont fancy you any way,just wanted to take your virginity" then stormed off,got a taxi back home myself and left her stranded in glasgow,30 miles from where she lives.

im * gutted cos i really liked her,had been trying to get in about her for ages....now shes going out with my sworn ememy that i fight every time i see......

 

Is your name derek riordan??