Jokes Thread

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on...

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the * are interchangeable."

 

Now this is funny

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]This couple wanted to have a party, tired of the same old routine they
decided to have a "Theme" party.

They decided the theme would be emotions, their guests would have to
work hard at this one and be creative.

The night of the party the first guest rings the bell. The husband answers,
and sees a couple all dressed in green. What emotion are you? the couple repy
"we are green with envy" Great come on in....

The next couple arrive, all dressed in red. He asks What emotion are you?
they reply "we are red with rage" Great come on in....

The doorbell rings again, this time there are two black guys standing on the porch naked.
One has his * in a bowl of yellow custard, and the other has his stuck into a pear.

The husband tells them they have made a mistake and are at the wrong party.
"This party is for emotions" he says
One of the black guys speaks up "But we are emotions"
I'm * dis custud and he is deep in dis pare
[/FONT]

 

Whats Green And Invisible?


.


.







.

No Apples!






Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Went Down the road and turned into a field!

 

As for women.... simply this guys...... Dont trust anything that bleeds for a week and disnae die.

 

Joke

a Frenchman, an Italian, and an Irishman met in a pub and over a few drinks were discussing what birthday presents they had bought for their wives/girlfriends. The Frenchman said "I bought my wife a gift that goes from zero to 120 in 8 seconds". What was that? the other two asked. "A citroen sports car", he replied. The Italian said "I got my girl one that goes from zero to 150 in 8 seconds -a Lamborghini". The Irishman said, "I got my woman one that goes from zero to 240 in 1 second". The other two were amazed and somewhat disbelieving and asked "What goes from zero to 240 in 1 second?" And the Irishman replied "A set of bathroom scales"

 

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
'Holy Mary, Mother of *, HAND LOTION TOO!'

 

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that
he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning
his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of
brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by

"See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair
of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing
lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the
wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and
held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....
























.... TAIWAN !!![/FONT][/FONT]​

 

Heres a little * jokr

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




since when can blondes screw in lightbulbs

 

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says ! the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried *. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *?

 

A lump of tarmac walks into a bar, goes up says 'gies a beer'. Sits down and evils and growls at everyone that comes in. Does this every day for a month. Bit of green tarmac walks into the bar. The other tarmac guy runs and hides in the bogs. Later on when the green tarmac has gone, the other tarnac guy goes up for a beer. Barman says 'what happened to you, you really fukin bottled it. Why?' Tarmac man says 'hes a * cycle path'.

 

pat n mick r sat nxt tae each other oan a plane Pat turns to mick n says , see if this plane turns up side down will we faw oot ?? mick says tae pat , nawww well stull b pals

 

3 guys are in heaven st Peter ask the 1st 1 "what happened 2 u?" 1st guys says" went in2 my house saw my wife naked and panting and a mans trouser on the ground, so i went 2 the window looked out and saw a guy running, so picked up the wardrobe and threw it him. Doing that i got a heartattack" Peter says "ok go on in"
Says 2 the 2nd guy " how did u die"
The guy says "I was doing my milk rounds and was running late so i was running next tinng i no i got hit by a wardrobre and died"
"peter says ok then go on in"
Peter says tio the lat guy "how did u die?"
The last guy says "I was in the * wardrobe!!"

 

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and * just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said,"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh *, I'm coming!"!

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her for sure."

The nun fainted.

 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Subject: Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up

to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that

man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay

for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of

food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and

straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the

man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,

and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse

buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on

his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke

into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.

"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for

the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had * with my

daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth,

and yelled out............................















"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

25 Reasons Why a Beer is Better than a Woman

1. A beer always goes down easy.
2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
3. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
4. A beer never has a headache.
5. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
6. A frigid beer is a good beer.
7. Beer is always moist.
8. Beer is never late.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. Hangovers go away.
11. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
12. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.
13. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
14. When you have finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 5 pence.
15. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
16. You always know when you're the first to pop a beer.
17. You can always share a beer with a few friends.
18. You can enjoy a beer anytime of the month.
19. You can have a beer in public.
20. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
21. You can share a beer with your friends.
22. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
23. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
24. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
25. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks *. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*

*


(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"


stole it from another site.But it's a belter

 

graham did ya here aboot the irish man who tried to blow up the bus...... he burnt his lip on the exhaust

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
____________________________________________________________

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
____________________________________________________________________


Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ________________________________________________________________________

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

Paddy is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the Paddy's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says Paddy.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

Paddy looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

_______________________________________________________________________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
_______________________________________________________________________

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his * cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and * and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of * that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."