JOKES pt 3

"Having * is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd
better have a good hand."
Woody Allen



"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."


Rodney Dangerfield



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL." Lynn
Lavner



"* at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."


Camille Paglia




"* is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight
are
unimportant."


George Burns




"Women might be able to fake *. But men can fake a whole
relationship."


Sharon Stone




"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a
sport for white men dressed like black pimps."


Tiger Woods




"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*."


Jack Nicholson




"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never
forgets oral *, no matter how bad it is."


Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had
a sense
of humor)




"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals
through his wallet."


Robin Williams




"Women need a reason to have *. Men just need a place."


Billy Crystal




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They
say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful."


Robert De Niro




"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So
what's the problem?"


Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."


Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that * gives men a brain and a *, and only
enough
blood to run one at a time."


Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had *, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."


Joan Rivers




"* is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can
buy."


Steve Martin




" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you
pay good
money for in later life."


Elmo Phillips




" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."


Oscar Wilde




" It isn't premarital * if you have no intention of getting
married."


George Burns

 

25 signs that your old

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
>>
>>2. Having * not in bed is out of the question.
>>
>>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
>>
>>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
>>
>>5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
>>
>>6. You watch the Weather Channel.
>>
>>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break
>>up."
>>
>>8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
>>
>>9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
>>
>>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
>>door
>>won't turn down the stereo.
>>
>>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling * jokes around you.
>>
>>12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
>>
>>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
>>
>>14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
>>
>>15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
>>
>>16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
>>
>>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
>>of
>>one.
>>
>>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
>>rather than settle, your stomach.
>>
>>19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
>>antacid,
>>not condoms and pregnancy tests.
>>
>>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
>>
>>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
>>
>>22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
>>going to
>>drink that much again."
>>
>>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
>>work.
>>
>>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
>>
>>25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
>>doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old
>>*.
>>Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals &friends 'cause you know
>>they'll enjoy it & do the same.
>>
>>BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
>>them
>>instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened

 

bertie and that fat * harney star in batman

http://www.langerland.com/cartoons/batman.html

 

Martin flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Parkhead.
Two weeks later Celtic are 3-0 down at home to Rangers with only 20 mins left. Martin gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Larsson. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Celtic. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your * fault that we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

 

A Classic

 

seeing most of these before but there's a few new one's
"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7" -
David
Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league" -
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the
only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've
ever had." - David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at
the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which
were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully
after that as well." - Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let
me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." - Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing."
- Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in
Middlesborough." - Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." -
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
-Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet." - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
- Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." -
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny
Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry.