Jokes Thread

why is ronaldinho the best * star ever?

he can lob seaman from 35 yards

 

THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft
music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm
waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The
daughter-in-law answered.' But you're naked!'
the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,'
the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're
naked! ''Justin loves me to wear this dress,'
she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on
a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband
to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and
saw her lying there so provocatively.' What are you
doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she
whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said,
'What's for dinner?'

 

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Guy goes to the doctor for results of test, doctor says I've got 2 sets of bad news I'm afraid - firstly you have Cancer & secondly you also have Alziemers.

Guy says, oh well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer.

 

Walter Smith was asked to send three of his players out to talk to the press after saturdays draw with aberdeen, He went into the dressing room and shouted

"WEIR, FLECK N ROTHEN"

 

a nun goes into a hotel
she goes to the reception and asks if the * on the room tv is disabled
the receptionist replys no you sicko its regular

 

An old homeless man walks into an up-market jewellers in the centre of town and proceeds to undo his tatty trousers and starts fingering his own *.

The young female jewellery assistant yells at the man to get out at once or she'll call the police.

The man takes his dirty finger and points to a sign in the shop window which reads...



''Please come in and pick your ring in peace''

 

What a summer!!

my favourite singer micheal jackson dies

then my favourite actor patrick swazye dies

then my favourite celebrity chef keith floyd dies

could i take this oppertunity to let evryone know my favourite footballer is nacho novo

 

when i was younger i was given a choice,a good memory or a big *,,,i cant remember what i said

 

i wonder what he choose

 

I went out with the dog for a walk today , the missus said

"Can you pay £20 off my debenhams Card while your out" so off i went
Gets to Debenhams realise i have the dog , nowhere to tie it up so i thought * it i will go in with it ..Got 20 yds into the shop and a shop asistant tells me
"your not allowed in here with a dog sir" I said
"its ok its a guide dog" She says
"Oh sorry sir but are guide dogs not usually labradors ?" I Said
"Why what have they given me" ??

 

This appeal is being made on behalf rangers fc.
Could you spare 2 pounds a month to sponsor a hun?
just 2 pounds a month could get a rangers player a good wash,
or even teach them to interact with human beings.
This appeal has been made on belhaf of the
Help A Hun Association, or HAHA for short...

 

i was at the cash machine the other day , there was a blind guy infront of me , he asked me to check his balance so i pushed him over!

 

have you heard durex's latest policy?

if the condom splits you get a free baby!

 

nicked.

 

Paddy leaving Ireland for London, woman asks him please try and find my son, he went there 5 years ago and not a fekin word. Okay, whats his name Mick Dunn.
Paddy is in The toilets at Picadilly bustin for a *, all cubicles full, he bangs on the first door, hey are you done. Yeah. then why the * don't you write home to your mam.

 

a woman walks into the docs with a lettuce leaf sticking out of the top of her knickers, the doc says 'that looks nasty' she says 'ah thats just the tip of the iceberg'...

 

Mean Scotsman gets on the bus with a large suitcase, conducter says fairs, how much, 50p for you and 50p for the case. Am not paying for a * case. Well it has to go off. As the bus cross the clyde bridge the conductor chucks the case off. Whoosh down into the river. Ya * yer not content way robbin me, you want to kill my boy as well.

 

Someone was watchin the Late Late Show the other night...