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Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'TalkCeltic Pub' started by Dubsbhoy, Jun 22, 2004.

Discuss Jokes Thread in the TalkCeltic Pub area at TalkCeltic.net.

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  1. Grant_bhoy

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    HAHAHA, peach lol
     
    Grant_bhoy, Apr 3, 2007
    #561

  2. Paul67 Administrator Administrator

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    The two wives...

    Two ladies were at a girls night out and had missed the last bus home, so they decided to walk. They took a short cut through the graveyard to make up for lost time. Half way through, one of them said, "Lets sit here on this grave and finish this bottle of vodka off." "Good idea" said the other, and they sat themselves down and swigged away at the bottle.
    The next night their two husbands were having a pint in their local when one said, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair, she was late home last night and had grass stains on her skirt". "You think that's bad" said the other, "My wife was also late home last night, and when she stripped to get into bed she had a card stuck to her knickers which read, From all at the Fire Station, we will never forget you".
     
    Paul67, Apr 11, 2007
    #562

  3. Paul67 Administrator Administrator

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    Jimmy and Mary were walking down the road past the shops, they came to the shoe shop and Mary said "Oh Jimmy, look at them shoes, they'd look lovely on me". Jimmy said "Right get me a brick". Mary picked up a brick and handed it to Jimmy and he tossed it through the window and took the shoes for Mary. Further down the road they passed the clothes shop and Mary said "Look at that dress Jimmy, that would look great with my new shoes". Again Jimmy asked for a brick and tossed it through the window and handed Mary the dress. A bit more along the road they passed the coat shop and Mary said "Oh Jimmy, look at that lovely coat, that would look great with my new shoes and dress" and again Jimmy asked for a brick and tossed it through the window and handed Mary the coat. 5 minutes along the road they came to the jewellers shop and Mary said "Oh Jimmy, look at that lovely watch in there, it would go great with my new shoes and dress and coat". Jimmy looked at her in a rage and said "* sake Mary, do you think I'm made of * bricks".
     
    Paul67, Apr 11, 2007
    #563

  4. oasisgurl

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    rite this is the best joke eva - it was a beautiful sunny day at hampden and kenny miller scored a goal:84:
     
    oasisgurl, Apr 13, 2007
    #564

  5. celticmad117

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    You forget to add the MOTM with a hatrick was SEEEEEBOOOOO
     
    celticmad117, Apr 13, 2007
    #565

  6. oasisgurl

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    :56: :56: :56: :56: :56: :56:naw hes too busy workin in the chippy wae kenny miller
     
    oasisgurl, Apr 13, 2007
    #566

  7. celticmad117

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    If hes working in the chipper then hw did miller score then :84:
     
    celticmad117, Apr 14, 2007
    #567

  8. topbhoy1967

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    They subbed him after his goal on 5 mins - the Chippie opened at 3:45.
     
    topbhoy1967, Apr 14, 2007
    #568

  9. celticmad117

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    Finnaly some sense to the matter did also breaking news Miller ran off the pitch while gettin subbed and smashed into the fourth offical breaking his news:D
     
    celticmad117, Apr 14, 2007
    #569

  10. oasisgurl

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    he scored wi wannae they skanky berghaus lassies
     
    oasisgurl, Apr 14, 2007
    #570

  11. The Doctor

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    Let's just keep it for jokes in here please.
     
    The Doctor, Apr 14, 2007
    #571

  12. topbhoy1967

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    Did you hear that Simon Weston won the pools last week?

    They wouldnt let him claim his money though cos he burnt his coupon!!

    Poor taste I know - will I get banned for that??!!
     
    topbhoy1967, Apr 14, 2007
    #572

  13. oasisgurl

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    Qwhats the meaning of suspicion
    A a nun doing a press up in a cucumber field:84:
     
    oasisgurl, Apr 14, 2007
    #573

  14. marti~bhoy

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    What do you call a female police officer who shaves her pubic hair......................?




    *-stubble!
     
    marti~bhoy, Apr 15, 2007
    #574

  15. marti~bhoy

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    A jelly baby goes to get the results of a sexual health check at his local doctors.

    'I'm afraid to tell you that you've contracted an STI.' Announced the doctor, To which the jelly baby started grinning.

    'You don't appear too surprised asked the puzzled doctor?'

    'I'm not,' replied the jelly baby. 'I've been sleeping with all sorts!' :celtman2:
     
    marti~bhoy, Apr 15, 2007
    #575

  16. TIMMY!

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    Whats brown and Crispy and hangs from a light bulb?


    An Irish Electrician



    The old yens are great
     
    TIMMY!, Apr 15, 2007
    #576

  17. The Doctor

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    POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit * off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
     
    The Doctor, Apr 18, 2007
    #577

  18. The Doctor

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    A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

    The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

    "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

    The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
     
    The Doctor, Apr 18, 2007
    #578

  19. gibby150

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    A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come Out here,' says Matthew.

    'Please tell the audience what happened?'

    'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my Uncle When
    we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was Killed outright
    but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours

    Before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery For 12
    hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

    'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?'
    asks Matthew.

    No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that My
    uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all The
    advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of His
    body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I Have been
    having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking Fully again
    by the end of the year.

    A huge round of applause Erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with:
    'That's an unbelievable Story.

    So tonight, who are you going to be?'



    Scroll down...




    It's worth it honest.....








    Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle
     
    gibby150, May 3, 2007
    #579

  20. Colin McRae

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    Colin McRae, May 4, 2007
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