Jokes Thread

hahaaahhahahahha

 

Frenchman, Italian and Russian talk about what is the best thing in the world.

First goes Frenchy, says " After ze nice walk with my Jacqueline, after ze romantic dinner, we make love all night!"

Then Italian "me and una bella donna we have e romantico dinner, then we go to her place, then we drink'e a wine, then we passionate make love by the candels".

Finaly Russian gets the word and says "... Sibiria, cold winter, -40°C outside, 4 hours in the morning, you are sleeping in warm barracks, a sargeant enters and screams: SERGEJ, YOU ARE GOING TO A PATROL DUTY!!! ... and you are not Sergej"

 

plg got a message from the vatican the other day come back now paul job well done

 

Snow White gets a phone call telling her to go to the pit head

There's been an accident and the dwarves are trapped

When she gets there she shouts down the shaft

'Can anybody hear me?!'

A voice comes back saying

'Rangers will win the SPL this season!'

She turns to the paramedic and says

'Thank *...............Dopey's still alive'

 

Alternative Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
..but she didn't wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, ya *.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "* him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's *
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money ( and he was a hun )

​

 

hahhaa, great stuff gd

 

Stewart Francis' jokes:

Do homeless people really get knock knock jokes?

Should midgets be paid under the table?

Did i already do my deja vu joke? Thats so wierd.

My therapist thinks i have preoccupation with vengence, hahaha...We'll see about that.

Standing in the park wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?.....And then it hit me.

My dad collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcohalic doesnt it?

I was raised by my father, my mother left before i was born and you know...

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong, we've been married three years now.

Im not ashamed of my wife, if you dont believe me go out to the car and ask her.

My manic depressive buddy was recently attacked by a bi-polar bear...thats not going to help.

I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it.

Its thought that every mans sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threesome. And recently i was involved in one and i'll tell you the truth, i didnt like it. I stopped half way through and said "Listen, Rick, Jim."

 

LITTLE Jonny ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Jonny.
He replies, "None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Jonny says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Jonny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE Jonny ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Jonny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Jonny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she a sked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the * difference?" asks the father
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE Jonny ON ENGLISH

Little Jonny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Jonny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Jonny, that's a mouthful."
Little Jonny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *."

LITTLE Jonny ON GRAMMAR

Little Jonny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a *!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now Jonny that is NOT the proper word to use in
this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence co rrectly, and I will allow
You to go."
Little Jonny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger *, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE Jonny ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
" My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little Jonny.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just * beautiful!'"


LITTLE Jonny ON GETTING OLDER

Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Jonny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Jonny answered, "No, he minded his own * business.

 

how do you circumsize a hun??

kick his sister in the chin

 

A dwarf walks into a bar and he slips over a piece of * on the floor, he walks off thinking nothing of it.

A few minutes later a huge man walks in a falls over the same piece of *, the little dwarf shouts out

"I just did that!"

So the big man kills him.

 

A man walks into the libary and asks the librairian FISH N CHIPS PLEASE and the librairan says sorry this is a libary so the man says fish in chips please(whispered)

 

holy * those are brilliant!

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his
face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he
slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

Just seen this

 

Whats 12" long and hangs in front of a bawbag?











Paul le Guens Tie!

 

What do you call an Albino with an Afro?












A Microfone

 

​

 

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant,

and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting

to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep

are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing
around and

instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are
pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that

artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods,

has * with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all

still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads

them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each

sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing
round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them

out to the woods. He spends all day * the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of

the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn."