Jokes Thread

Murphy7 · Dec 20, 2005

Looking back through this thread and this is genius

Dubsbhoy said:

Peter Kay...

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid

problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him

to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten

years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go

swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on

with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered

French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But

one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my

bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was

sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why

he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) * is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said

'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want *? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the

core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is

stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze

these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion

stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet

paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at

you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the

window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a

calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your

teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the

first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way

through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got

your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had

their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an

upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of

wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a

fruit salad.
Click to expand...

gh.CJ · Dec 20, 2005

The peter kay ones are all great and the universal truths are so true!!

Well dug out..

gh.CJ · Dec 20, 2005

Lee Hung Chow, you know him, he flogs DVD's in pubs and businesses. Anyway, he called work the other day and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, today is a right busy 'un. I need you in really. When I feel like that I go up to my wife and tell her to give us a *. After that I feel top and I can go to work. Why don't you try that?"

Two hours later Lee calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel bruddy great. I be at work soon. Oh,yeah, and you got nice house."

gh.CJ · Dec 20, 2005

What do a gynacologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!!

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche?
A porcupine has * on the outside!

Renegade T · Dec 20, 2005

nice one's cjbhoy

gh.CJ · Dec 21, 2005

There's that Roony at it again, just cant help himself lol

flump67 · Dec 21, 2005

^^^ quality pic

flump67 · Dec 22, 2005

heres some fummy pics

flump67 · Dec 22, 2005

flump67 · Dec 22, 2005

gh.CJ · Dec 22, 2005

Good pics there. the newspaper ones a belter!! Daft woman

flump67 · Dec 23, 2005

How do you know Santas a man
Because he turns up late,
Eats all your food,
Drinks you booze,
emptys his sack,
comes ones and fu*ks off before you wake up

one to get us into the christmas spirit!

flump67 · Dec 23, 2005

flump67 · Dec 23, 2005

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

flump67 · Dec 23, 2005

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to * they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

flump67 · Dec 23, 2005

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Rosco67 · Dec 23, 2005

Lol, thats a good one Flump

flump67 · Dec 25, 2005

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be
a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz
with winnings of £500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's
presenter, "But to get the £1million, you've only got
one lifeline left - Phone a friend..

Everything is riding on this question...will you
have a go?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds
does NOT build its own nest?
(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my
ast lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick
called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.

"Fookin *, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...
it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter,
"I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter
screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've
won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local
pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in *'s name did you know it
was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean,
you know *-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a
fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Dalkeith Davie · Dec 25, 2005

A Jimmy Carr joke " IF WE ARE ALL GODS CHILDREN,WHATS SO SPECIAL ABOUT JESUS"

TartanBhoy67 · Dec 25, 2005

What do you call a geordie in a University?

Answer: A Janitor