SEASON REVIEW TIME

Apologies this has been sent to me - WhatsApp message forwarded many times - but in this season of doom, if you don’t read this and laugh, you’ll cry

Hail hail

***

You will need a minute for this but it’s worth it

End of season player review
Barkas - 1/10

* is a SEGA mastersystem. Incapable of making saves. Probably the most tragic of greek tradgedies since the works of Euripides.

Bain - 1/10

He's a Dundee Utd Keeper.

Conor Hazard - 2/10

Gets a extra point just for his penalty heroics against Hearts. Otherwise complete and utter *.

You couldn't build a competent keeper out of the three of these if you broke them down for parts.

Christopher Julien 4/10

Actually still think he's decent on his day and he's got brittle bones and gets bullied by pub strikers.

Greg Taylor - 1/10


He's a hun, he's weak, he can't pass, he can't get by a man, he's a hun. Gets 6 points for effort but 5 points deducted for being a hun.

Shane Duffy - 1/10

Looks like a farmer and plays like one. Quite literally the worst centre back to ever turn out for us. Caused more damage to us than any single opposition player has.

Jonjoe Kenny - 2/10

I do not know what we were expecting signing a * called Jonjoe. He's worse than Greg Taylor put I have to give him an extra point on the account of not being a hun.

Kristofer Ajer - 3/10

Could never doubt his commitment but just as culpable as anyone else in the defence this season. For a big lad he seems to disappear when the ball is whipped into our box.

Anthony Ralston - 9/10


We barely saw him and for that I'm extremely thankful.

Stephen Welsh - 5/10


Gets a few extra points for not being Shane Duffy.

Diego Laxalt - 2/10


Perhaps sums up the absurdity of this season that we managed to signed a Uruguayan International from AC Milan that turned out to be absolutely hopeless at football. Would make a cracking long distance runner as long as he wouldn't be required to stay in a specific lane. Every bit as bad as Greg Taylor, if not worse, but have to give him an extra point just for not being a hun.

Nir Biton - 1/10


A rolls royce. Could play with slippers on etc.

Amazing that he's been with us for so long despite the fact that he can't get a game in midfield because he's *. Time for him to go occupy some other territory where he's not wanted.


Scott Brown 2/10

Thanks for the memories. It's been painful watching you this season.

Soro - 4/10

Looked decent for a few games but I think we were all just desperate to be convinced he was a player after suffering such abject * for months on end. Kind of like of a Rustlers Burger would seem like a gourmet meal after being served a literal plate of *.

David Turnbull - 4/10

Looks tidy on the ball occasionally. Could yet come good but still has a lot to prove.

Ryan Christie - 1/10


In his head he's Paul Scholes. In reality he's Stephen Pearson. Also has a big annoying face. Can't wait to see him turn out for Brentford or whoever.

Tom Rogic - 1/10

Fair play to him for earning a wage for doing absolutely * all. Like a lass you were in love with for a bit who was an absolutely magic ride but you stayed with her for too long and now you resent the sight of her but you're finding it difficult to break things off because you've too many good memories. She's not even interested in giving you so much as * anymore now and she's living in your gaff rent free.

Mikey Johnston - 1/10


Like most promising youths to break through at Celtic. Lightweight and actually not very good. Would score a little higher if he wasn't made of glass. A Gen Z Brian McLaughlin.

Mohamed Elyounoussi - 2/10

But but but he scored 15 goals or whatever. Typical Swiss *. Hides when it really matters. Like a mint lindor. Looks nice but soft as * inside and nobody really wants it. You want the red ones.

Callum McGregor - 1/10

Been responsible for more goals conceded than Shane Duffy probably. Looks like a magic player when we're on top and everyone else around him is performing. Like Jeff Lynne
being elevated by the other Travelling Wilburys but in reality he's just some * in ELO.

James Forrest - 4/10

He's probably thankful that he was injured for most of the season.

Leigh Griffiths - 1/10

Just * * off. If he wasn't playing football he'd be selling shoplifted bacon and lynx out of a holdall. Shown nothing but contempt for the fans with his lack of commitment. *.

Albian Ajeti - 1/10

Griffiths is a * and can't run the length of himself for more than two minutes, Eduoard looks like he'd rather being reading book and Klimala simply is not good at football and yet this useless lazy fat * still couldn't stake a claim for a place in the team.

Osdonne Eduoard - 2/10

Actually breaks my heart how poor he's been. I loved him but he's badly let me down. Still better than the other useless options up front though.

Patryk Klimala - 1/10


If all it took was effort he'd be in with a shout of winning the Ballon D'or. As it stands I'm not exactly sure how he ended up in the hoops. I've seen better first touches down the park. The fact that he now gets paid to play football and live in New York is grotesquely unfair. Fair play to him.

Oliver Ntcham - 2/10

Point for being so bad that a manager resigned from his position rather than have to work with him. Probably the most entertaining thing that's happened this season.

Boli Bolingoli - 2/10

Terrible at football but isn't a hun so gets an extra point.

Jeremie Frimpong - 2/10

At least had the decency to * off.

Hatem Abd Elhamed - 1/10

He came, he sold the jerseys, he got injured and he * off.


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1/10 is far to generous for Christie

 

Aye but when’s the huns review out with stats for Borna Tav and *.

 

0/10 for everyone of them, what they've given the fans in terms of joy.

 

Apart from Eddie and Ajer getting a career ending injury, having to retire and us getting no transfer fee for them it's hard to think of how this season could have went any worse. Anything that could go wrong did go wrong.

 

Ok

 

Elyounoussi may be many things but Swiss sure ain’t one of them.

 

Sums up the thick * who wrote it. Moi is Norwegian.

 

Pretty brutal patter, that. What a pish thread.

 

I liked the Bitton bit, time to go occupy some other territory where he's not wanted

 

Honking patter. But the worst part that annoyed me was calling Elyounoussi Swiss, wit?

Your hoaching Stevey

 

It was forwarded many times

I laughed my * off anyway


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Stevie also thought Klimala was Still here despite being plastered all over the place going to New York..

 

He’s been sent to New York
If you can read


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This sums up the season for me


Choose Celtic, Choose a left back who can’t * carry the ball. Choose a french central defender who’s made of * glass . Choose a keeper who’s the * of the family. Choose a * big Irish clod who’s as much use as a 1960s television, choose a midfielder who should be using a washing machine and washing cars, instead of playing football, Choose a winger who has no good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose a coach who is only interested in fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose an owner who loses more friends than Gary Glitter Choose a French striker who is more interested in modelling leisurewear and matching luggage than playing for us, Choose a CEO who is so petty wondering who the * you are on Sunday morning. Choose a striker who during the pandemic was sitting on that * couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing * junk food into their mouth instead of training Choose a manager who was rotting away at the end of it all, * his last bit of dignity in a miserable job, who became nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, * up brats we call a board, Choose your future. Choose Celtic.

 

ROFL

genius


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Barkas - 0/10
Bain - 1/10
Hazard - 2/10

Elhamed - 1/10
Frimpong - 6/10
Kenny - 0/10

Jullien - 2/10
Duffy - 0/10
Ajer - 8/10
Welsh - 5/10
Bitton - 2/10

Taylor - 1/10
Laxalt - 2/10

Brown - 1/10
McGregor - 1/10
Ntcham - 0/10
Soro - 6/10
Turnbull - 7/10
Rogic - 1/10
Christie - 3/10

Forrest - 2/10
MJ - 0/10
Elyonoussi - 7/10
Ajeti - 1/10
Griffiths - 2/10
Klimala - 2/10
Edouard - 5/10

 

Aye ok Stevie, as if we didnae know how much of a * up this season was

 

Haha

Mate I can only laugh about this otherwise I’ll kill masel


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