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Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'TalkCeltic Pub' started by Dubsbhoy, Jun 22, 2004.

Discuss Jokes Thread in the TalkCeltic Pub area at TalkCeltic.net.

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  1. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    THE DONKEY


    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



    He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.


    As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
    animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
    everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
    the well and happily trotted off!

    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
    getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
    our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.





    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

    1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

    2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

    3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

    4. Give more.

    5. Expect less

    NOW --------

    Enough of that crap . . .

    The donkey later came back, and bit the * out of the farmer who had
    tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
    eventually died in agony from septic shock.

    MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

    When you do something wrong, and try to cover your *, it always comes back to bite you.
     
  2. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    FAX: To My Dear Wife,
    >
    > "You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with

    > a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and
    > value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope
    > you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
    > evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please

    > don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight". When the man

    > came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
    > "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.

    > I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would

    > like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
    > years old. At the same time I would like to
    > inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
    with
    > Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years
    old.
    > "As
    > a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math,
    you
    will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
    small
    difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18.
    Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow".
     
  3. hoopsbhoy4life

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    guy goes into a pub with three ducks goes to the bar orders a pint,barman is wondering wot's the story with the ducks guy finishes pint orders another bar man still wondering wot the story is so then guy goes to the loo so bar man says out loud am gonnae ask him when he comes back so wan of the ducks here him and said wits up mate, barman * me you kin talk ducksays aye ma names duey barman says how you doin wit you been up to the day then duey says not much just in and oot of puddles barman says awe rite looks to the second duck and says wit your name, duck says luey barman says ok and wit hiv you been up to the day then duck says not much just in and oot of puddles barman says awerite turns to the third duck and says wits your name then says dont let me guess huey duck says no am puddles

    this isney funny but its the only joke anno man
     
  4. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."


    The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"



    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her * are so * big, she can only fasten eight."
     
  5. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    The Amazing Scotsman

    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign
    read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and
    sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
    Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his
    kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three
    mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried
    off on the shoulders of the crowd.


    Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded
    sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing
    Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still
    doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
    This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
    table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
    smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went
    wild!


    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.


    "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.
    You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"


    "Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!.
     
  6. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    CHRISTMAS TREES & ONIONS
    A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all

    the different kind of *?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well,

    sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of

    *..depending on a woman's age -In her twenties, a woman's

    * are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,

    they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they

    are like onions."

    "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."


    Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of

    weenies are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,

    "Well, Daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties,

    a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and

    forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties,

    it is like a Christmas tree."

    "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
     
  7. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
    elbow goes into her bre*st. They are both quite startled.The man turns
    to her and says "Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your bre*st, I know
    you'll forgive me."
    She replies, "If your d*ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
    ******************************************************

    A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous
    woman. He notices she is reading a manual about s*xual statistics.
    He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It
    says that American Indians have the longest p*nises and Greek men are
    the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
    "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

    *******************************************************

    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
    rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says
    "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow
    and I want to stay fresh."
    The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
    backover and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist
    appointment tomorrow too?"

    *******************************************************

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
    number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
    he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p*nis into
    the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a s*x therapist to
    talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
    the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
    His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
    how I had this tremendous urge to put my p*nis into the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
    "Yes, I did."
    "My *, Bill, what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh...she got fired too."

    *******************************************************

    A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
    breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years
    ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
    "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here n*ked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
    Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
    n*pples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
    "One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."
     
  8. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Gay John goes into the doctor's office and has some test run. The doctor
    comes back and says "John, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."


    John is devastated. "Doc what can I do?"

    "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce
    10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

    John asks, "Will that cure me Doc?" Doc says, "No but it should leave you
    with a better understanding of what your * is for!"
     
  9. Pippa

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    Thongs

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Mick

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    A girl came skipping home from school one day.

    "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other
    kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

    "Very good!", said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde?"

    "Yes, it's because your blonde," said mother.

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

    "Very Good!," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes it's because your blond!"

    The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
    Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered
    all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "No Honey, it's because you're 24."
     
  11. Eamonnhenrik

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    thats a gd 1 lol
     
  12. NeoCoN

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    LATEST NEWS:-

    Bin laden has been found hiding out in the Man Utd trophy room. He said it reminded him of the Afghan caves - cold, dark, empty & recently taken over by Yanks
     
  13. Pippa

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    VIRTUAL BOOK

    [​IMG]
     
  14. Pippa

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    THE SIMON COWELL EFFECT

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Madden_1888

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    ooh ah up the 'ra
    class man
     
  16. Pippa

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    Threesome

    QUITE A SURPISE

    [​IMG]
     
  17. BB Banned!

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    "I'm sorry Mickey" said the judge "I can't give you a divorce from Minnie on the basis of insanity because theirs no evidence", "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was * Goofy"
     
  18. BB Banned!

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    A man gets a job in a bakery. Unfortunately they fail their health and safety inspection, the inspector says "I'll be back in six weeks to check that progress has been made or you'll be shut down". Six weeks pass and the inspector comes back. As he walks into the shop he notices that the man is using tongs to serve the cakes. "That's very good he says, using tongs is better than using your hands." Suddenly he notices a piece of string hanging from the mans trousers, "Hope you don't mind me asking" he says "but why have you got a piece of string hanging from your trousers" "Well" he says "When I go to the toilet I pull me * out with the string, instead of using my hands." "That's very clever" says the inspector "How do you put in back again?" "Well I use the tongs!"
     
  19. Pippa

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    COCONUTS


    If you live on a tropical island, it is important to know the difference between good and bad coconuts.

    CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

    GOOD COCONUTS AND BAD COCONUTS ?

    MAYBE THIS WILL HELP...........




    GOOD COCONUTS

    [​IMG]



    BAD COCONUTS

    [​IMG]
     
  20. bhoywunda Banned!

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    Sisters of St Francis House of Prostitution

    This boy is driving home one night after a hectic day.

    As he drives along the motorway he sees a hand painted sign at the side of the road. The sign reads "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution 10Km".

    Yer man shakes his head and asks himself if he really saw what he saw or if he is really only too stressed out. He drives on anyway and about 5 mins later he sees another sign. This time he slows a bit and sure enough this sign reads much like the last one "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution 5Km".

    He is completely riled up now and thinking to himself that he's gotta check this out and when he comes to the next sign which says "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution Next on the Left" he thinks to himself "* it...I gotta check this out if only just fer the craic!"..so left he turns and drives up this big winding gravel driveway. He pulls up in front of this huge convent and parks his car next to the sign saying "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution WELCOME".

    He knocks on the huge wooden door. A wee nun answers. nervous and excited he says..."I was just driving down the road and a saw a sign and..." The wee nun cuts him off saying "You here for a bit o business like?"

    "aye!"...says he...."put €50 in this cup walk down that corridor take a right and knock at the first door."..says the wee nun.

    "right!", says he and so he does. Another nun opens the door and before he can say anything she asks "here fer a bit o business, aye?"...."aye!" says he...same procedure he sticks €50 in her cup goes down the corridor takes a right and knocks on another door...

    By this stage ye man is busting outta his trousers at the thought of having a nun...a * nun!!!...and he can hardly contain himself as a wee nun opens the third door..."You here fer a bit of business?"....."AYE!!...he sticks €50 in her cup and heads down the corridor he's so pent up now he canny * wait and he bursts through the door only to find himself back out in the carpark.

    There's a sign...

    it reads...



    "You've just been * by the Sisters of St.Francis. Thank You"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2005
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