Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'TalkCeltic Pub' started by Dubsbhoy, Jun 22, 2004.

Discuss Jokes Thread in the TalkCeltic Pub area at TalkCeltic.net.

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  1. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS


    > > >1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them
    serious."
    > ...
    > > >(Alan Minter)
    > > >
    > > >2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her * this
    morning
    > and
    > > >it was amazing ! " ... (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
    > > >
    > > >3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of
    him."
    > ...
    > > >(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
    > > >
    > > >4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." ...
    (Ted
    > Walsh
    > > >- horse racing commentator)
    > > >
    > > >5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
    body."
    > ...
    > > >(Winston Bennett)
    > > >
    > > >6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind
    it,
    > which
    > > >is identical." ... (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
    > > >
    > > >7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
    .....
    > (Greg
    > > >Norman)
    > > >
    > > >8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
    same
    > thing
    > > >again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
    > > >
    > > >9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in
    the
    > > >Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer
    coach)
    > > >
    > > >10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is
    > kissing
    > > >the * of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the
    Oxford-Cambridge
    > boat
    > > >race 1977)
    > > >
    > > >11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
    Dicks on
    > the>
    > > >field" (Metro Radio)
    > > >
    > > >12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in
    the
    > air
    > > >for even longer." (David Acfield)
    > > >
    > > >13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay
    in
    > > >football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
    > > >
    > > >14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his
    legs
    > and
    > > >showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
    > > >
    > > >15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well
    is
    > that
    > > >before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
    > them....Oh
    > my
    > > >*! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)
    > > >
    > > >16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the
    blue is
    > > >behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
    > > >
    > > >17. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was
    > supposed
    > > >to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So
    > > >Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ... Not
    only did
    > HE
    > > >have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were
    laughing
    > so
    > > >hard!
     
  2. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a
    really
    >bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out.
    Walking
    >down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards
    him
    >and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As
    he
    >gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out
    and
    >stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two
    hours
    >later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door
    with
    >the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife
    and
    >stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable
    hospital
    >and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable
    >bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in
    anger,
    >the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the
    school
    >down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down".
     
  3. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    DEFINITION OF AN IRISH BBQ
    > It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
    > volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
    > motion:
    > 1) The woman goes to the shops.
    > 2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
    > 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
    along
    > with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
    > man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
    >
    > 4) The man places the meat on the grill.
    > 5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
    > 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He
    > thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals
    > with the situation.
    > 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
    > 8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
    > 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
    > 10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
    > 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
    > 12) And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
    just no pleasing some women!
     
  4. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A duck walks into a bar and asks "have you got any bread?"

    The barmen says No

    the duck then asks "have you got any bread?"

    Again the barmen says No

    the duck again asks "have you got any bread?"

    No says the barmen and if you ask me that again i will nail your bill to the bar.

    The duck says ok have you got any nails?

    No says the barmen.

    Great says the duck "have you got any bread?"
     
  5. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium
    announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.

    A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well."
     
  6. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    An insight into the "mind" of Ireland's Roy Keane.


    >
    > >Friday 4th June:
    > >Meself and Sheasy get a flight to Dublin (kip) from Manchester,
    > >typical feckin FAI making us fly to Dublin first then Amsterdam,we
    > >should all
    > meet
    > >in Manchester and fly from there. Just about make the flight as me
    > >taxi
    > was
    >
    > >late picking me up, Sheasy booked it, typical FAI, should've booked
    > >it meself. Arrive in Dublin airport, typical FAI it's *
    raining,

    > >the umbrellas

    > >haven't arrived yet which is not on. This snot nosed kid comes up
    and
    > asks
    > >for an autograph which
    > >I'm not happy about, I do it though just so he'll p*ss off. Have a
    > >dump before I collect me luggage. Spent an hour looking for Brian
    and

    > >the rest of the lads, finally spot
    > him
    > >in Hughes & Hughes book shop buying some magazines and sweets for
    the

    > >journey, he's surrounded by a loada blokes in Ireland tracksuits,
    > >I've never seen them before in my life.
    One
    >
    > >of
    > >them comes up to me sand says "Alright Keano" I just signed an
    > >autograph

    > >and
    > >said "* off".
    > >I'm still suprised not to see any of the Irish squad yet, maybe
    > >they're flying straight to Amsterdam. Just then to my relief I spot
    > >Duffer, I quickly run over for a chat but it turns out it was some
    > >down syndrome
    > kid,
    >
    > >again I had to sign another bleedin autograph. I just put "Best
    > >wishes Downer, hope you get better soon, Roy!" Time to board the
    > >plane and just my luck, all those knackers in Ireland tracksuits are
    > >getting the same flight, what are the chances. To make matters worse
    > >one of them even sits beside me. He's making small talk with me so I
    > >fart hoping he'll change
    > >seats but he doesn't, he just lets an even smellier one. "Did you
    see
    me

    > >goal the other night, he says" What goal? I reply, "the one against
    > >the nigeria". I'm completely lost at this stage so I just come out and
    > >ask him

    > >who
    > >the * he is. "Graham Barrett" he replies. "I play for Coventry". I
    just
    >
    > >laugh to meself and think about how I'm gonna break him up in
    > >training. It finally dawns on me that these gimps in tracksuits are
    > >my team mates,
    > I
    > >cant believe how shitt they are so I arrange for Brian to have name
    > >tags

    > >put
    > >on them. One smart a*se puts down Thirsty Squirell as his name,
    fukin
    > dead!
    >
    > >Arrive in the Dam, make Aaron Quinn collect me bags, or is it Alan?
    never
    >
    > >mind. Head to the hotel and get some kip. Have to share a room with
    > >Alan

    > >Lee, I quickly let him know that I don't like him and I think he's
    crapp.
    >
    > >Did a couple of hours training, it was like watching lepers break
    > >dance,

    > >nearly reduced me to tears.
    > >Head out for a few beers with the kids, one of them suggests we go
    to

    > >"teasers". Birds everywhere, brings me back to my early days at
    > >United
    > with
    >
    > >Sharpey, Robbo and Pally. I have to keep my mind on the job and
    > >remember

    > >why
    > >I'm really here in Amsterdam, I've a big day tomorrow and if I dont
    bring
    >
    > >home my allocation of vids and dvds, my life wont be worth living.
    > >Head home after a few lap dances and some beers.
    > >Alan Pee staggers in at 4am and wakes me up, I'm not happy about it,
    > seems
    > >as though he's never gonna play in the premiership, I need to find
    > another
    > >way of getting him back, so I set him on fire, he's burned all down
    > >his left side and may miss the game as a result.
    > >
    > >Saturday 5th June.
    > >Head into town to get some dvds for Gabby Yorath (Diego Forlan),
    have

    > >a quick spliff and head back for the match. Arrive at the Amsterdam
    > >Arena, I told Brian before the game that I
    dodn't
    >
    > >wanna play, he said that's fine. I take me place in the stands and
    > >watch

    > >the
    > >game. I dont recognise the team at all, Paddy something in goal,
    Mayfield
    >
    > >left back? Rowland rat in midfield? Alan Quinn? The Dutch female epo
    team
    >
    > >is
    > >more famous. Anyway we lose the match 13-0. Horse face scores 8 for
    them,
    > I
    >
    > >like horses.
    > >
    > >Anyway catch a late flight back to Dublin, some little downer at the
    > >airport in a Chelsea tracksuit yells "Keano" I pretend not to hear
    > >him, those little
    > >fukers freak me out.
    > >
    > >Spot Jason McAteer walking around, probabaly looking for a club.
    > >
    > >Funny how things work out.
     
  7. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    * Requests a Raise

    I, the *, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
    I do physical labor
    I work at great depths
    I plunge head first into everything I do
    I do not get weekends off or public holidays
    I work in a damp environment
    I don't get paid overtime
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
    I work in high temperatures
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases


    Dear *,

    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
    the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight
    You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team
    You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
    You do not take initiative - you need to be
    pressured and stimulated in order to start working
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
    You'll retire well before reaching 65
    You're unable to work double shifts
    You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
     
  8. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A lad comes home from school one day and his mum notices he's
    grinning from ear to ear "What's the matter with you, you look like the
    cat
    that's got the cream?"
    "Well mum" says the lad, "today I made love with my English
    teacher in the stock room". The mother is furious and says "just wait
    till
    your father gets home!" When the dad gets home he too acts furious but
    when the mother leaves the room he starts grinning too - proud as punch
    that his son has got a * so early on. "Son" he says, "today you did
    your old man proud -you've become a man, and as a treat I'm going to
    take you for a pint then we'll go and buy that mountain bike you've had
    your eye on". "That sounds great dad" says the lad "but can I have a
    skateboard instead - my a*se is killing me..."
     
  9. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    >>WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again"
    >>
    >>WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "I guess so."
    >>
    >>WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    >>
    >>WIFE: - - - silence - - -
    >>
    >>HUSBAND: "sh*t."
     
  10. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A man has tickets for the World Cup Final.
    >He sits down.
    >Another man comes and says he is surprised the seat next to him is
    >empty. (All the seats had been prebooked.) "This is incredible" said
    >the man. "Who in their right mind would Have a seat like this for the
    >World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use
    >it?" The first guy says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
    >I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
    >This is the first Soccer Final we haven't been to together since we
    got
    >married in 1987"
    >"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that.
    >That's terrible.
    >But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a
    >neighbour to take the seat?"
    >The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
     
  11. Celtic Mad Administrator Administrator

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    Quality jokes their mate, keep them coming!
     
  12. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A man pulls a chinese girl at a disco.
    They end up back at hers, she says i will do anything you like,
    he says how about a 69er?
    She says "f**k off, I'm not cooking at this time of night"
     
  13. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    After attending the funeral of a Chelsea mouse killed by an 80 year old
    lady with a broom, three mice, one from Liverpool, one from Manchester and one from Glasgow are sitting in a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

    The Liverpool mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass on the bar and says "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with cheese".

    The Manchester mouse orders two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
    after the other, slams down both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Liverpudlian mouse and says, "Oh yeah ? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into powder and stir it in my coffee so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day".

    The Liverpool mouse and the Manchester mouse then turn to the Glasgow
    mouse.

    The Glaswegian mouse finishes his beer and lets out a long sigh, saying to
    the other two, " I've heard enough o' this sh!te, Ah'm awa hame tae sh*g
    the
    cat".
     
  14. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    what do you call a woman with two c*nts??
















    Mrs. Neville
     
  15. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Man in his 50s goes to his doctor

    Give me 50 of your strongest Vigara pills

    Doctors asks why

    Well i met these 2 hot young girls over the Internet and they are coming to mine for the weekend

    Doctors says fair do's & hands him the pills

    1st thing monday morning the same mans see's the same doctor

    Give me 50 of your strongest pain killers

    Doctors says " was * really that good?"

    man replys "no they never showed up and my f*cking arms killing me"
     
  16. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Ship wrecked !!

    A cruise in the pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there
    were only three survivors, Damian, David and Deirdre. They managed to swim
    to a
    > >>>small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing
    whats
    >natural
    > >>>for men and women to do...
    > >>>
    > >>>After several years of casual *, Deirdre felt absolutely
    horrible
    >about
    > >>>what she had been doing. She felt that having * with both Damian
    and
    > >>>David was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic
    but
    >Damian
    > >>>and David managed to get through it and after a while nature once
    more
    >took
    > >>>its inevitable course...
    > >>>
    > >>>Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and David began to
    feel
    > >>>absolutely horrible about what they were doing, so...
    > >>>
    > >>>
    > >>> PAGE DOWN...
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >
    > >>> >THEY BURIED HER !!!
     
  17. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Aer Lingus has the Answer . . .
    >
    > A mother and her son were flying Aer Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow.
    > The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
    > and asked,
    > "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
    > big planes have baby planes?"The mother (who couldn't think of an
    > answer told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
    stewardess, "If
    > big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
    > planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother
    tell
    > you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your
    > mother that there are no baby planes because Aer Lingus always pulls
    > out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
     
  18. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    Euphemisms: the language of love....


    >Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads
    >
    >40-ish....................................49
    >
    >Adventurous...........................Slept with all your mates
    >
    >Athletic..................................No *
    >
    >Average looking......................Has a face like an a*se
    >
    >Beautiful................................Pathological liar
    >
    >Contagious Smile...................Does a lot of pills
    >
    >Educated...............................Was screwed to bits at
    >University
    >
    >Emotionally Secure.................On medication
    >
    >Feminist.................................Fat
    >
    >Free spirit...............................Junkie
    >
    >Friendship first........................Former *
    >
    >Fun........................................Annoying
    >
    >Gentle....................................Dull
    >
    >Good Listener.........................Autistic
    >
    >New-Age................................Body hair problems
    >
    >Old-fashioned.........................No BJs
    >
    >Open-minded..........................Desperate
    >
    >Outgoing................................Loud and Embarrassing
    >
    >Passionate.............................Sloppy drunk
    >
    >Poet.......................................Depressive
    >
    >Professional............................*
    >
    >Romantic................................Frigid
    >
    >Social.....................................Screws like a rabbit
    >
    >Voluptuous..............................Very Fat
    >
    >Large lady...............................Hugely Fat
    >
    >Wants Soul mate.....................Stalker
    >
    >Widow....................................Murderer
    >
    >WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
    >
    >1. Yes = No
    >
    >2. No = Yes
    >
    >3. Maybe = No
    >
    >4. We need = I want..
    >
    >5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
    >
    >6. We need to talk = I need to complain
    >
    >7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
    >
    >8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
    >
    >9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
    >
    >10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
    >
    >11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    >
    >12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    >
    >13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    >
    >14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
    >
    >15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    >
    >16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is * all you ever think
    about?
    >
    >17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
    >game on TV
    >
    >18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
    really
    >not going to like
    >
    >MEN'S ENGLISH:
    >
    >1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    >
    >2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    >
    >3. I am tired = I am tired
    >
    >4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    >
    >5. I love you = Let's have * now
    >
    >6. I am bored = Do you want to have *?
    >
    >7. What's wrong? = I guess * is out of the question
    >
    >8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have * with you
    >
    >9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have * with you
    >
    >10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have * with you
    >
    >11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have * with you
    >
    >12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to
    >have * with you
    >
    >13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have *
    with
    >you within the next 3 minutes.
    >
    >14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
    deep
    >person and then I'd like to have * with you.
    >
    >15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
     
  19. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there
    > > >asked the Doctor for a sperm count.
    > >He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
    > > >back a * sample tomorrow."
    > >The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
    > > >office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
    the
    > > >previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained:
    > > >"Well, doc,>it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
    > > >nothing.
    > >Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
    wife
    > >for
    > > >help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still
    nothing.
    > > >She
    > >
    > > >tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
    > > >out,
    > >
    > > >and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and
    > > >she tried
    > >too,first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
    squeezin'
    > >it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked!
    "You
    > >asked your neighbor?"




    The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what
    we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
     
  20. Dubsbhoy Banned!

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    A man walks into a church confessional and says to
    the priest, Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with
    seven different women last night."
    The priest is silent for a moment,
    then says, "Go home & cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the
    juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

    "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

    "No," replies the priest,
    "but it will wipe that f*cking smirk off your face."
     
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