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Dear Sir ...
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
> >amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
>
>Dear Sir,
>
>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
>endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
>the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
>course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
>which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be
>commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
>debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
>your bank.
>
>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
>personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
>contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
>pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
>I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
>mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
>automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally
>and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
>to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
>Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
>runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
>as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
>all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
>Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation
>(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
>documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
>number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
>cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the
>number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
>your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
>flattery.
>
>Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
>buttons as follows:
>1-- To make an appointment to see me.
>2-- To query a missing payment.
>3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
>is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
>the Authorized Contact.)
>8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
>9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
>put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>will play for the duration of the call.
>
>Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
>wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your
>Humble Client
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