Jokes Thread

[Celticnut]

Originally Posted by sf1

Bit sick?

That's the point mate

[zmcfc]

Originally Posted by Celticnut

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?


I don't jizz on an apple before I start eating it

Either I don't get the joke or your a sick person....

[topbhoy1967]

How can you tell if the barmaids pissed off with you?

Theres a string hanging from your bloody mary.

[topbhoy1967]

Define an Italian virgin....

...a girl who can run faster than her brother.

[celtboy]

And God created Ireland......


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him.
He enquired of God 'Where were you?'
God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds.
Look son, look what I'm after making'.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said 'What is it?'
God replied It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it.
I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and South Americawill be poor, and
the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot.
Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and
another one of blacks in the south.'
Then the Archangelsaid 'What's that green dot there?'
'Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle,' God said, 'that's a very special place.

That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers,
streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be God's
own people,
the salt of the Earth, they'll be great craic and they're going to be found
travelling the
world spreading the craic. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and
songwriters
and I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad
on, and for
which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink.'
Michael the Archangelgasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly
startled, he said,
'Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be
balance..?'
God winked and replied wisely, 'Wait 'til you see the wankers I'm putting
next door to them!!

[ellboy]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Taliban asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Taliban shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Taliban begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Taliban came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.

The Jew said,"...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Taliban rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

[Belfast_Bhoy]

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin..'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was
a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks
again!

[zmcfc]

That above joke had me in stitches..

[MartyC]

Whats green and smells like pork?


Kermits middle finger

[true-tim]

one word joke .............................................Range rs

[Andy]

Originally Posted by MartyC

Whats green and smells like pork?


Kermits middle finger