Jokes Thread

[Colin McRae]

One day a Black guy that was trying to Rob a bank, dies in a
shootput with the cops. So when he goes up to heaven, he's
waiting in line to tell St.Peter his name, so finally he gets up
there, and St. Peter asks him "Your name, kind sir," and the
black guy says "Leonardo DiCaprio." St.Peter confused says, "ok
hold on a sec." And he goes to his office, picks up the phone
and calls God. When god picks up the phone, St.Peter says "God,
did the Titanic sink or burn?"

[HunSkelper]

died in a shootput ! fuck me that must have been scary

[Colin McRae]

Shortput*

THey were throwing big massive metal balls at each other. dangerous.

[Celticnut]

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says
'You're gonna get laid tonight'
She asks
'How do you know?,are you phsycic?
To which the man replies
'No...I'm just stronger than you

[Celticnut]

A woman says to a man
'Is that a gun in your pocket,or are you just pleased to see me?
The man replies
'Both,this is rape'

[Celticnut]

You're locked in a cell with a Rangers fan,a rattlesnake and a lion.
You have a gun with two bullets.What do you do?





You shoot the Rangers fan.............................................tw ice.

[Celticnut]

Like a midget in a urinal,I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Like a blind man at an orgy,I was going to have to feel my way around.

[Celticnut]

Why should you never knock down a Scouser on a bike?


It's probably your bike.

[Tim{e}4ten]

woman goes to doctor about the rash on her vag**na
doc asks her how often she has sex
she says about twice a year
doc says to her thats no a rash its feckin rust.

[Tim{e}4ten]

mickey mouse goes to his lawyer to start divorce proceedings
lawyer says look mickey you cant file for divorce because minnies got bucked teeth
mickey says i didnt say shes got bucked teeth i said she was fecking goofy.

[HOLLA]

NOT BAD TOEY AS A MIDGET I LIKE IT

[Paul67]

Jimmy and Martha were a couple set in their ways. Every night was the same. Front of the tv with a litre of whisky until the bottle was empty, then bed.
One night they were sitting doing their drinking, when all of a sudden a puff of smoke appeared before them, and a genie stood bang in front of the tv.
"I am your genie and I have one wish for you, anything you desire"
Jimmy thought for a split second, and without discussing it with Martha, he said, "Whisky, and plenty of. Enough to last the rest of our lives"
"Your wish is my command" said the genie.
"Whenever you need to urinate from now on, it will be pure whisky"
"Fuck sake Martha" said Jimmy "We'll never need to buy another drop"
Every night from then on, Jimmy and Martha would sit watching tv, and every time Jimmy needed to go for a piss, he would lift the 2 glasses and piss them a whisky.
This went on for months, same routine, 2 glasses, tv on, whisky all night when Jimmy needed a piss.
Then one night, Jimmy came into the room and went to the cabinet and took out one glass. Martha looked shocked. "What are you doing Jimmy, where's my glass"
"Tonight sweetheart" said Jimmy "Your drinking straight from the bottle".

[Renegade T]

moved to jokes thread

[Irish-Hoop]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Irish-Hoop]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"