Jokes Thread

[Celtic_Lass]

hahaha, some of these are hilarious!

[greendave]

What is the first sign of madness?














































Suggs coming up your driveway

please don't hate me......hehehehe

[bowroadbhoy]

The tale of the dead duck!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00.

[Renegade T]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "I check for squirrel."

[Renegade T]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in."Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up."You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate) to help."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples. "Play with her nipples?"
Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"

[GuitarBhoy]

Originally Posted by Renegade T

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed " What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "I check for squirrel."

hahaaahhahahahha

[Jura_Grozny]

Frenchman, Italian and Russian talk about what is the best thing in the world.

First goes Frenchy, says " After ze nice walk with my Jacqueline, after ze romantic dinner, we make love all night!"

Then Italian "me and una bella donna we have e romantico dinner, then we go to her place, then we drink'e a wine, then we passionate make love by the candels".

Finaly Russian gets the word and says "... Sibiria, cold winter, -40°C outside, 4 hours in the morning, you are sleeping in warm barracks, a sargeant enters and screams: SERGEJ, YOU ARE GOING TO A PATROL DUTY!!! ... and you are not Sergej"

[bigbee24]

plg got a message from the vatican the other day come back now paul job well done

[greendave]

Snow White gets a phone call telling her to go to the pit head

There's been an accident and the dwarves are trapped

When she gets there she shouts down the shaft

'Can anybody hear me?!'

A voice comes back saying

'Rangers will win the SPL this season!'

She turns to the paramedic and says

'Thank fuck...............Dopey's still alive'

[jonny_cfc_n01]

Originally Posted by greendave

Snow White gets a phone call telling her to go to the pit head

There's been an accident and the dwarves are trapped

When she gets there she shouts down the shaft

'Can anybody hear me?!'

A voice comes back saying

'Rangers will win the SPL this season!'

She turns to the paramedic and says

'Thank fuck...............Dopey's still alive'

[greendave]

Alternative Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
..but she didn't wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, ya knobhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money ( and he was a hun )

[GuitarBhoy]

hahhaa, great stuff gd

[Torq]

[GuitarBhoy]

Stewart Francis' jokes:

Do homeless people really get knock knock jokes?

Should midgets be paid under the table?

Did i already do my deja vu joke? Thats so wierd.

My therapist thinks i have preoccupation with vengence, hahaha...We'll see about that.

Standing in the park wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?.....And then it hit me.

My dad collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcohalic doesnt it?

I was raised by my father, my mother left before i was born and you know...

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong, we've been married three years now.

Im not ashamed of my wife, if you dont believe me go out to the car and ask her.

My manic depressive buddy was recently attacked by a bi-polar bear...thats not going to help.

I was going to join the debating team but somebody talked me out of it.

Its thought that every mans sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threesome. And recently i was involved in one and i'll tell you the truth, i didnt like it. I stopped half way through and said "Listen, Rick, Jim."

[greendave]

LITTLE Jonny ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Jonny.
He replies, "None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Jonny says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Jonny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE Jonny ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Jonny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Jonny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she a sked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE Jonny ON ENGLISH

Little Jonny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Jonny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Jonny, that's a mouthful."
Little Jonny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE Jonny ON GRAMMAR

Little Jonny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now Jonny that is NOT the proper word to use in
this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence co rrectly, and I will allow
You to go."
Little Jonny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE Jonny ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
" My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little Jonny.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"


LITTLE Jonny ON GETTING OLDER

Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Jonny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Jonny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.